That’s the reason I chose this phrase for the title of my book, because it really describes the journey we take in divorce and afterwards.

I offer you the following, that has helped me and hundreds of my clients make this life-altering transition. I know I repeated these things to myself so many times during and after my own divorce. I found grounding and a path forward. You can, too.

He is not your problem. No matter what you think about him, he is not your problem. No matter what you feel about him, he is not your problem.

He is who he is, and he is going to do whatever he is going to do. You can’t change who he is and you can’t control what he does.

He is only your problem because you empower him to become your problem. You empower him by allowing him to push your buttons. You empower him to be your problem each time you react in a way that causes you to lose your focus and compromise your values.

He is not your problem because what he thinks about you, what he believes you deserve or how he feels about you is not relevant to anyone but him.

He is not your problem because he does not have the power to define success or failure for anyone but himself. He does not dictate how you define who you are, and how you will live your life.

Who he is, is not your problem unless you want him to be someone different. What he does is not your problem unless you are wishing and hoping that he does something differently. What he says to you or about you is not your problem unless you want him to say something different.

He may make you feel crazy, angry, sick, sad, resentful, fearful, insecure, disempowered, small and guilty. He may be unfair, nasty, vengeful or cold. He may be a problem but don’t make him your problem. That will only distract you from your real problems

Your real problem is how to conclude your divorce and move on with your life, separate from him. He’s not your problem. Your divorce is, and that’s a problem you can solve.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

Does this resonate with you? If you need some support to move forward in your divorce with confidence and clarity, just click here to schedule a free Financial Clarity session with me. We can outline some steps you can take now, and see if it’s a fit for us to work together to support you more. Schedule your free financial clarity session today at calendly.com/contactAGrace!

 Whether you’re ready to move forward or still trying to heal from the disruption of the chaotic year that was, a new calendar means a new start. It’s an opportunity to make this year better than the last. 

Some ideas for making this New Year better than the last: 

• The past is over. Leave it there.The symbolic flipping of a page on the calendar from one year to the next is worth noting. What did you learn from the events of the past year? What can you do differently this year, for a better outcome?  What changes do you want to make?

• Take the time to learn, understand and gain control of your finances. Does the thought of this scare you?  We understand. Take a deep breath and move past it.  Do you run out of money before you run out of month? Are the checkbook and investment portfolio handled by your (possibly) soon-to-be-ex?  As the new year begins, start to familiarize yourself with the finances of your marriage. How much do you make? How much do you spend? Does the investment account statement make any sense at all?  Do you have a lot of debt? Stressful? It can be. But it’s so much better to know where you stand so you can make informed decisions when you need to. You don’t have to do this alone. Work with a financial advisor or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to see what you may need to do to get on a solid financial footing.  If you plan changes, this will be critical.

• Keep a journal. There’s something so powerful about writing important things down.   Sometimes, just writing down feelings can help you clear anger, resentment and other negativity.    Did you ever keep a diary or journal? Mine as a child was pink and had a lock that was more for show than security. Now I choose beautiful journals with handmade paper, or just a notebook with a cover I like.  Doesn’t matter. It’s a great practice for clearing your head and working through problems. Keeping a journal is a safe, private way to be honest while moving forward. Going through my own divorce, I can’t count the number of nights when I couldn’t sleep, my brain racing with doubts and fears that I couldn’t share with  my young daughter. Writing all that out brought some solace, and some sleep, as well.

• Set goals and Write them Down.  Yes, journaling again. Oddly enough, the same system of journaling or keeping a diary works just as well for goal setting and achievement.  Despite our continual use of laptops, iPads and cellphones, there is still something impactful about picking up a pen and putting words on paper.  There’s brain science that confirms that a goal that you set in vivid and careful detail, so clear that someone else reading it would know exactly what you want, is better retained in your memory.  When you remember it- you can act on it. Take some time to create your goals, for this new year, for five years, or longer.  When you decide what inspires you, describe it in vividly, cut out pictures that show it, and post them in places you can easily see. Craft the steps you need to achieve these goals, and note  your progress regularly in your journal. Go for it!

• Try something new. Whether it’s deciding to finally separate, date again, take a trip, face a fear or move to a new place, be bold and try something you wouldn’t have done before. Push the boundaries of your comfort zone! It’s also a way to assert control over your life again and do something the “old” you might not have done.  Start the new year with something you have always wanted to do — but didn’t because of your spouse. This is YOUR year!

If you’d like to discuss any of these helpful tips, schedule a Financial Clarity session with me at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace.

For divorced moms, the newly separated or those going through their first Mother’s Day without a spouse, it can be a challenging day to navigate. We’re here to help you take charge and treat yourself to a day that makes you feel empowered, pampered and fulfilled!

Here are a few tips to help you give Mother’s Day a new meaning and realign expectations as you navigate this new season:

1. It’s ok if the kids aren’t with you.

If Mother’s Day happens to fall on a weekend where your children are supposed to be with your former spouse, don’t panic! It’s understandable and acceptable to be sad or frustrated, but take a deep breath and remember: It’s just one day. Pick another day with your children and decide that will be your very special Mother’s Day with them this year. Start making special plans as soon as you determine you will not be together so that you have something fun to look forward to. Do you want to have a picnic in the park and play games? Do you want to go shopping? Go to a movie? Or would you rather have a nice day at home, just hanging out? It’ll be your day, your way, so fill it will all the special things that will make you feel your best!

2. Treat yourself!

Mother’s Day is all about you. You work so hard to help your children, make sure they’re doing well in school and that their home is filled with love and comfort. Now it’s time to take care of you! Book a spa day or massage. Get a manicure. Tell the kids earlier in the week that you’d like for them to cook for you, if they’re old enough. Buy some beautiful flowers for your table or a new addition for your garden. Whether big or small, find some way to do something nice, just for you, just for today.

3. Take a time out.

This is especially important if you’re newly divorced or separated from your spouse. The first Mother’s Day as a single mother without an in-house partner can be emotionally charged. Find some time in the day to have a moment to yourself to reflect. Whether that’s going out for coffee, taking a walk or finding some quiet time to just breathe and meditate, find a way to get some air and clear your mind. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your successes and victories. Focus on the wonderful blessings you have and don’t spend the day dwelling on the things you lack.

4. Be clear about your expectations.

If you want breakfast in bed, buy the ingredients, leave the recipe out on the counter and tell your children, that you’d love (and appreciate) them making a meal for you. If you want time alone, tell them you’re having some “quite time” and you should not be disturbed during a certain time unless there’s an emergency. If you want a hand-made card, set out the construction paper, glue, markers and stickers. You can express to your children that this is important to you and why: You work hard to make them happy and they can make you equally happy by providing a special handmade gift for you. It’s perfectly acceptable to ask for things. If you want a purchased gift, provide a “wish list” and a budget, then take your kids to the mall or local boutique and let them do the selecting.

5. Make it a group holiday.

If you know other divorced mothers in the same situation, why not bring them together for a special brunch? Each family can be responsible for a dish so the work is shared, or make reservations at a favorite place and spend the time telling stories. Make a point of telling the other mothers what you respect about them and what you enjoy about their children – that’s a gift any mother would love on any day, but especially on Mother’s Day.

Note: If you’re reading this blog post during the time of the Covid-19 pandemic, you can easily adjust some of these tips to be make your Mother’s day just as special – If your children are at your ex-spouses house why not set up a time to connect on FaceTime or Zoom with your with other divorced moms or extended family. You can also plan to go on a socially distanced walk at a local park or support local boutiques and restaurants with order pick up to make the day uniquely, special!

Avoid the common mistakes most women make about money, especially when they are in crisis- divorce, widowed, etc.  Schedule a free consultation with me at Calendly.com/contactagrace; or call me at 716-817-6425.