When you decide to remarry, especially either of you have children, here are some tips to create a solid foundation for your continuing relationship.

Consider a Prenuptial Agreement

When you have your own assets, intending to pass them on to your children, and your new spouse has the same-  a prenuptial agreement can be particularly helpful. Honest and open communication about money and what came before, is an important part of a new relationship so it can be be built on trust and fairness.

(For help here, email me for a copy of “How to Talk to Your Honey about Money”)

If either or both of you have gone through a divorce, you’ll want to avoid that contentious negotiation about dividing assets and protect each other the best you can. Consider what’s in those divorce settlements. Receiving alimony likely will end with remarriage, but the obligation to pay a former spouse does not end. Child support continues, and life insurance beneficiary designations may need to remain in place. Many prenups will state that premarital assets, what you own before this marriage, may go to the children, but assets you acquire during the marriage, are split between you.

States have their own rules, most requiring that a half or a third of marital assets pass to a surviving spouse. It’s important that this is specifically addressed in the agreement, to avoid problems later.

Update Estate Planning Documents

It’s important to do this after divorce whether you remarry or not. All of your legal and financial documents, account titles, and beneficiary designations should be updated.  Who should act as your health care proxy? Who is the beneficiary of your life insurance policy? Etc.

Wills: Do you have a will? A will states your wishes about who gets what when you pass away. You’ll want to make certain that your former spouse is not still your beneficiary! If your children are still minors, who will act as their Guardian?

Your children are the ‘natural objects of your bounty’- a legal concept. But your stepchildren, however close your bond with them is, are not.  If you want to leave something to a stepchild, you need to list it specifically.

Do you have a Living Trust? Review the terms of the Trust and who is acting as Trustee.

If you don’t have a Trust, consider putting one in place.

Trusts can be especially useful for blended families. You can  ensure that your assets benefit your surviving spouse during his/her lifetime, while providing that what remains after the spouse’s death passes to your own kids. Consider choosing an independent, neutral trustee, to minimize friction for everyone.

Check Beneficiary Designations

Review the beneficiary designations on 401(k) accounts, IRA’s and other retirement accounts, life insurance policies, or any account with a directly named beneficiary. These assets pass outside of your will, and must be separately updated. Your prior divorce does not necessarily revoke a designation of an ex-spouse as a beneficiary on everything.  Your prior settlement may give retirement assets to your ex- and these cannot legally be revoked. Spousal rights in retirement plans governed by the Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974 (ERISA) are subject to special rules and may require your new spouse to sign off if you want your 401(k) to go to your children.

Consider Life Insurance

Life insurance can be a valuable tool to create an inheritance for your new spouse and your children. It’s not uncommon for a pre-existing policy to name your former spouse as beneficiary as part of the settlement, perhaps to secure child support payments. A new Life insurance policy can create the funds to benefit everyone you wish- your kids, your new step-kids, and anyone else.

Family structure is increasingly fluid. As your family structure changes, it is important to make sure that your estate and financial plans reflect your these dynamics. Your financial planner and estate planning attorney can help you take a holistic approach to your future, so you can enjoy the present.

If you need guidance on securing your financial future, contact me at adrienne@adriennegrace.com or schedule your free Financial Clarity session at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace to get started.

The next step is to start planning what the future looks like. Talk about what you each see and expect out of the next few decades.

• How do you want to split expenses? Do you deposit all funds into a joint account and then pay everything from that?  Some people prefer 50/50 even if one person makes more money. Others divide expenses based on income. Some couples even work out more creative solutions, such as: One person pays all the living expenses while the other does the saving and paying for extras, like vacations and concerts.  Figure out what works in your relationship that won’t lead to misunderstandings or conflicts.
• Do you want joint savings and/or checking accounts? Depending on how you share expenses, you may want to share savings and checking accounts, too. Create some infrastructure that helps you reach your goals. For example, a joint savings account for your dream home that each of you automatically pays into each month. Or, if you share groceries and other living expenses, you might create a checking account for those expenses, so you don’t have to keep a ledger. The more you can set and forget, the easier achieving joint goals may be.  Make certain that you talk about this on your Money Dates, so that one partner doesn’t overdraw, due to poor communication. 
• Talk contingency plans such as creating a nest egg for emergencies,  life insurance, and other safety nets. It’s a good rule of thumb to start with savings that can cover expenses  for three to six months.
• Are you interested in buying a home together? What kind of house?  How much would it cost?  Can you save up for a down payment?  Making a plan together and writing it down can help you reach that goal.
• Talk about kids and aging relatives. As a couple, you should discuss future  expenses and any expectations you have about future responsibilities before it becomes an issue. From preschool, private school and college to eldercare, there are lots of expenses that come with dependents and should be considered in your long-term planning.
• What does retirement look like for you as a couple? Discuss what retirement looks like for you.  How much income will you need? Have either of you started to save in an IRA or 401(k) plan? Did you know that 60 percent of couples and almost half of Boomers don’t have any idea how much their Social Security benefit might be?3 The information is readily available on the Social Security website if you want to start factoring that into your retirement plans.

Celebrate successes 

There will be struggles and wins on your path to financial security. Talk about how  you want to celebrate the milestones you receive. Do you want to throw a party to celebrate making the last payment on your student loans? A family night out when your emergency savings account hits its target? Recognize your successes, and make it fun.

What was once an uncomfortable topic can become the glue that binds your relationship together. Communicating about the future you want to build together can be fun! So, when are you planning your Money Date?

For more ideas on how to manage your finances, call me at 716.817.6425 and we’ll tackle this together.

If you’d like to discuss any of these helpful tips, schedule a Financial Clarity session with me at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace.

Now that you’ve opened up about money with each other, it’s time to take a closer look. If you keep your finances separate, before you get together to discuss finances as a couple, check out what’s going on with your own. Ask your partner to do the same prep work, so you both can come to the table with up-to-date information.

You can do this.  It’s helpful to know that your partner is tackling this, too.  If you hold your accounts jointly, decide who will gather up the documents, or do it together.

• Start by writing down all of your debts: student loans, credit cards, car payments, etc. Be sure to include the APR (interest and fees) on all of them. Tip: Sometimes your credit card APR is on the last pages of your statement, so don’t worry if it doesn’t jump out at you when you check. Don’t edit to spare your feelings.  Truth.
• Then log all of your income, even if your spouse is the primary wage-earner. If you are paid a set salary this is easy.  If you work freelance, hourly or multiple jobs, or have a side hustle, look back over the last 12–18 months.  List each month individually. This can help you identify cycles/trends in your income as well as the average monthly amount.
• Don’t forget savings, life insurance, child support, 401K, etc.

Set your Money Date to review the financial work you’ve prepared.

Pick a comfortable time and place, free from distractions. Perhaps a local coffee shop, or this might be better spread  out on the dining room table. If you have kids, get a sitter or if they are young, after they’ve gone to bed. And make this a no cell phone, no tv  time.

Be open and non-judgmental

Create a judgment-free zone and bring an open mind. Nearly 38 percent of couples were only somewhat or not at all aware of their significant other’s debts or income! So you’re not alone if there are surprises here.

Start with now, then plan for later

This Money Date is about where each of you is, individually. If you already have common assets, that can be a part of the discussion too, but stay focused on the present more than the future. This an appraisal of now.  Once you know where you stand, then set a separate date for planning your future. Try scheduling a monthly Money Date until you get comfortable. Then you can move to quarterly, or even yearly goal setting getaways, if that makes sense. Tax time is a natural, as the yearly summaries come in.

Reward yourselves afterward

Money Dates can be a bit of work, and they can be stressful.  Unexpected emotional issues can arise; Important insights appear into each other, and maybe some tension, as well.  So try to plan something fun to do together after your Money Date business is complete. Grab a glass of wine, go for a drive, see a funny movie, get some ice cream.  Rewarding yourselves by creating a fun ritual may actually get you excited for all your future Money Dates.

If you’d like to discuss any of these helpful tips, schedule a Financial Clarity session with me at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace.

How well do you and your partner communicate about money? 

Fidelity Investments did a Couples Retirement Study in 2015 with some startling results.  Although a majority of couples said that they communicate exceptionally or very well about finances, almost half couldn’t identify how much their partner earns.  Ten percent of couples were off by $25,000 or more!

Did you know that one in three Americans admits to lying to their spouses about money, men and women equally?

A Money Date may not set the same romantic mood, but may well be more effective in keeping you and your partner together than all the red wine, flowers and chocolate sold for Valentine’s Day.  (Well, maybe not the chocolate). Just like in your romantic relationship, regular, honest communication and understanding cement a strong financial foundation that can bind you together, come what may.

For this first one, talk about your shared goals.  This is just as important when you’re getting serious with a new partner, if you’re planning to move in together, if you are newlyweds, or even if you’ve been married for years.  Goals change, people change.  What do you want in your future?  A new home? Children? A new car? Travel? A big anniversary celebration?  Retirement?

Wherever you are in life’s journey, sharing your goals and dreams with your partner is part of what makes a relationship and a marriage meaningful.  Once you’ve shared your dreams, put some specifics in. How much does your new car cost? Will you need to take a loan to buy it? What’s the cost of a new home?  A new mortgage? If children’s education is on your list, how long do you have to save? Are you thinking of retirement? When? Where?  

When you move from dreamtime to practical application- that’s when you call in your financial planner, to help you put dollar applications to your goals, and make a plan to move forward to achieve them.

What’s next?

Stay tuned for Money Date #2- Where do we stand? How to get a solid picture of your financial situation now, to be able to realize your goals and dreams in the future. 

If you’d like to discuss any of these helpful tips, schedule a Financial Clarity session with me at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace.

The basic information your lawyer will ask you to provide is pretty simple: state/province of residence, length of marriage, gross salary, retirement plans and the like. But to truly understand your situation and your needs, it is important to dig a little deeper.

Here are 10 questions to ask yourself as you begin the divorce process.

1. What Assets Do You Own?

This a basic questions that should be top of mind. You can likely come up with a list of bank accounts and real estate off the top of your head, but what retirement assets do you and your spouse own? Stock options? Art, jewelry, or antique collections? Time shares? Business interests? A thorough inventory of marital assets goes far beyond liquid cash.

2. What Do You Owe?

Along with knowing what you have, it is important to know what you don’t have! This includes all credit-card debt and outstanding loans. Be specific. Do you owe more on your house than it’s currently worth? Do you still have student loans outstanding? Are there high balances on multiple credit cards?

3. Could Your Spouse Be Hiding Assets?

It may sound unlikely, but sometimes assets have a way of disappearing after divorce proceedings begin. For example, a spouse may transfer assets to a third party or create false debt in order to skew their financial picture and try to avoid paying a large settlement or spousal support. If you suspect that your spouse is hiding something, let your financial professional and lawyer know – and begin to locate all possible financial documents to find traces of elusive assets.

4. What is Most Important to You?

A financial advocate, who represents just you, will certainly need to know what you find most important. For example, do you wish to remain in the marital home? Knowing that will help them to structure different settlement proposals and future predictions based on your priorities.

5. What Are You Willing To Give Up?

Divorce settlements rarely work out with everyone completely happy, so you should prepare yourself for a potentially harsh reality. Having a list of must-haves a mile long is a recipe for disappointment; after all, it is often far more expensive to continue fighting your ex over a particular asset than it might be to just let it go.

6. How Do You Expect Your Custody Arrangement To Be Structured?

If you have children, it is important to know who they will be spending the most time with, or whether they will be splitting their time equally between both parents’ homes during and after the divorce. Factoring in child-support payments can affect the way a financial picture comes together. Be sure to check your state’s or province’s child support guidelines so you can take realistic numbers into account.

7. How Would You Describe Your Financial Situation?

As important as the specific content of your answer is how it makes you feel. Does this question propel you into insecurity or outright fear? Are you blithely assuming that your lifestyle will continue unchanged after divorce? Are you assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that you will receive spousal support? This is a really good time to consider some supportive therapy, as emotional issues triggered by your financial situation surface and may distract you from a logical, reasonable solution.

8. Do You Expect to Pay or Receive Spousal Support (Alimony)?

Though fewer divorce settlements include long alimony payments these days, many people still assume that lifetime support will be part of their own settlement. Getting accurate information is very useful in helping your team create models for your financial future.

9. Where Are You in the Divorce Process?

For better or worse, most people will seek out a family lawyer first in their divorce process. You may decide not to bring in a financial professional until further into the process, perhaps thinking you’ll save money by delaying. However, having your lawyer and financial professional work together from the beginning can save both time and money in the long run. How far have you gotten in gathering and cataloging information for your financial affidavit? Do you even know what a financial affidavit is? Your financial expert can help to guide you through the financial process just as your lawyer will guide you through the legal one. Taking the time to understand your current situation as well as the road ahead will help your team tailor their communication, advice and instructions to your specific needs.

10. What Questions Can A Professional Answer for You?

This might be the best place to start. Divorce is a confusing, emotional, overwhelming experience, and most people simply don’t know what to expect. A little Q&A with an expert can go a long way toward making you feel more in control of the process. Have some patience and compassion for yourself – and if you don’t understand something, keep asking questions until you do.

Schedule a free consultation with me to discuss how I can help you navigate issues pertaining to divorce, financial planning, retirement planning  and other matters of importance to women: Calendly.com/contactagrace; or call me at 716-817-6425.

Adrienne Rothstein Grace, CDFA, CFP is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst , author of
Going From We to Me: A Financial Guide to Divorce, and the founder of Transitioning Finances, a financial strategy firm that works with women who are thinking about, or going through, a financially complicated divorce. She also advises women who have lost a loved one, or experienced other financially challenging transitions. She can be reached at: Adrienne@AdrienneGrace.com.