Right up there with losing some weight, getting a divorce is high on the New Years Resolution list for many. Is it for you?

January represents a new start, a renewed chance to improve your life, set and achieve your goals, find happiness or just end the misery of a bad relationship.

Christmas fun is over, as is the pressure to put on a brave face for the in-laws and the kids. Holiday overspending bills come in, and maybe you didn’t get anything you really wanted. Financial pressure rises.

It’s also a grey and cold month up here in the north. SADD and cabin fever set in when it’s too cold to go outside, and too-much togetherness can enhance conflict when it’s already brewing.

As we start 2023, the economy is in an interesting place, with high inflation, and lots of job opportunities. Is this the perfect time to salvage the increased value of your house, or maybe to buy it out while the value is dropping? Will an end of year work bonus provide some additional cash for legal and other expenses?

No wonder they call January ‘Divorce Month’.

Is this resonating with you? Let’s talk and see if we can help you find some clarity as you think about the 2 big questions: 

Should I stay or should I go?  And- Will I Be ok?

Schedule a free Financial Clarity session with me at: www.calendly.com/contactAGrace and we’ll tackle this new year together.

When you decide to remarry, especially either of you have children, here are some tips to create a solid foundation for your continuing relationship.

Consider a Prenuptial Agreement

When you have your own assets, intending to pass them on to your children, and your new spouse has the same-  a prenuptial agreement can be particularly helpful. Honest and open communication about money and what came before, is an important part of a new relationship so it can be be built on trust and fairness.

(For help here, email me for a copy of “How to Talk to Your Honey about Money”)

If either or both of you have gone through a divorce, you’ll want to avoid that contentious negotiation about dividing assets and protect each other the best you can. Consider what’s in those divorce settlements. Receiving alimony likely will end with remarriage, but the obligation to pay a former spouse does not end. Child support continues, and life insurance beneficiary designations may need to remain in place. Many prenups will state that premarital assets, what you own before this marriage, may go to the children, but assets you acquire during the marriage, are split between you.

States have their own rules, most requiring that a half or a third of marital assets pass to a surviving spouse. It’s important that this is specifically addressed in the agreement, to avoid problems later.

Update Estate Planning Documents

It’s important to do this after divorce whether you remarry or not. All of your legal and financial documents, account titles, and beneficiary designations should be updated.  Who should act as your health care proxy? Who is the beneficiary of your life insurance policy? Etc.

Wills: Do you have a will? A will states your wishes about who gets what when you pass away. You’ll want to make certain that your former spouse is not still your beneficiary! If your children are still minors, who will act as their Guardian?

Your children are the ‘natural objects of your bounty’- a legal concept. But your stepchildren, however close your bond with them is, are not.  If you want to leave something to a stepchild, you need to list it specifically.

Do you have a Living Trust? Review the terms of the Trust and who is acting as Trustee.

If you don’t have a Trust, consider putting one in place.

Trusts can be especially useful for blended families. You can  ensure that your assets benefit your surviving spouse during his/her lifetime, while providing that what remains after the spouse’s death passes to your own kids. Consider choosing an independent, neutral trustee, to minimize friction for everyone.

Check Beneficiary Designations

Review the beneficiary designations on 401(k) accounts, IRA’s and other retirement accounts, life insurance policies, or any account with a directly named beneficiary. These assets pass outside of your will, and must be separately updated. Your prior divorce does not necessarily revoke a designation of an ex-spouse as a beneficiary on everything.  Your prior settlement may give retirement assets to your ex- and these cannot legally be revoked. Spousal rights in retirement plans governed by the Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974 (ERISA) are subject to special rules and may require your new spouse to sign off if you want your 401(k) to go to your children.

Consider Life Insurance

Life insurance can be a valuable tool to create an inheritance for your new spouse and your children. It’s not uncommon for a pre-existing policy to name your former spouse as beneficiary as part of the settlement, perhaps to secure child support payments. A new Life insurance policy can create the funds to benefit everyone you wish- your kids, your new step-kids, and anyone else.

Family structure is increasingly fluid. As your family structure changes, it is important to make sure that your estate and financial plans reflect your these dynamics. Your financial planner and estate planning attorney can help you take a holistic approach to your future, so you can enjoy the present.

If you need guidance on securing your financial future, contact me at adrienne@adriennegrace.com or schedule your free Financial Clarity session at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace to get started.

That’s the reason I chose this phrase for the title of my book, because it really describes the journey we take in divorce and afterwards.

I offer you the following, that has helped me and hundreds of my clients make this life-altering transition. I know I repeated these things to myself so many times during and after my own divorce. I found grounding and a path forward. You can, too.

He is not your problem. No matter what you think about him, he is not your problem. No matter what you feel about him, he is not your problem.

He is who he is, and he is going to do whatever he is going to do. You can’t change who he is and you can’t control what he does.

He is only your problem because you empower him to become your problem. You empower him by allowing him to push your buttons. You empower him to be your problem each time you react in a way that causes you to lose your focus and compromise your values.

He is not your problem because what he thinks about you, what he believes you deserve or how he feels about you is not relevant to anyone but him.

He is not your problem because he does not have the power to define success or failure for anyone but himself. He does not dictate how you define who you are, and how you will live your life.

Who he is, is not your problem unless you want him to be someone different. What he does is not your problem unless you are wishing and hoping that he does something differently. What he says to you or about you is not your problem unless you want him to say something different.

He may make you feel crazy, angry, sick, sad, resentful, fearful, insecure, disempowered, small and guilty. He may be unfair, nasty, vengeful or cold. He may be a problem but don’t make him your problem. That will only distract you from your real problems

Your real problem is how to conclude your divorce and move on with your life, separate from him. He’s not your problem. Your divorce is, and that’s a problem you can solve.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

Does this resonate with you? If you need some support to move forward in your divorce with confidence and clarity, just click here to schedule a free Financial Clarity session with me. We can outline some steps you can take now, and see if it’s a fit for us to work together to support you more. Schedule your free financial clarity session today at calendly.com/contactAGrace!

The basic information your lawyer will ask you to provide is pretty simple: state/province of residence, length of marriage, gross salary, retirement plans and the like. But to truly understand your situation and your needs, it is important to dig a little deeper.

Here are 10 questions to ask yourself as you begin the divorce process.

1. What Assets Do You Own?

This a basic questions that should be top of mind. You can likely come up with a list of bank accounts and real estate off the top of your head, but what retirement assets do you and your spouse own? Stock options? Art, jewelry, or antique collections? Time shares? Business interests? A thorough inventory of marital assets goes far beyond liquid cash.

2. What Do You Owe?

Along with knowing what you have, it is important to know what you don’t have! This includes all credit-card debt and outstanding loans. Be specific. Do you owe more on your house than it’s currently worth? Do you still have student loans outstanding? Are there high balances on multiple credit cards?

3. Could Your Spouse Be Hiding Assets?

It may sound unlikely, but sometimes assets have a way of disappearing after divorce proceedings begin. For example, a spouse may transfer assets to a third party or create false debt in order to skew their financial picture and try to avoid paying a large settlement or spousal support. If you suspect that your spouse is hiding something, let your financial professional and lawyer know – and begin to locate all possible financial documents to find traces of elusive assets.

4. What is Most Important to You?

A financial advocate, who represents just you, will certainly need to know what you find most important. For example, do you wish to remain in the marital home? Knowing that will help them to structure different settlement proposals and future predictions based on your priorities.

5. What Are You Willing To Give Up?

Divorce settlements rarely work out with everyone completely happy, so you should prepare yourself for a potentially harsh reality. Having a list of must-haves a mile long is a recipe for disappointment; after all, it is often far more expensive to continue fighting your ex over a particular asset than it might be to just let it go.

6. How Do You Expect Your Custody Arrangement To Be Structured?

If you have children, it is important to know who they will be spending the most time with, or whether they will be splitting their time equally between both parents’ homes during and after the divorce. Factoring in child-support payments can affect the way a financial picture comes together. Be sure to check your state’s or province’s child support guidelines so you can take realistic numbers into account.

7. How Would You Describe Your Financial Situation?

As important as the specific content of your answer is how it makes you feel. Does this question propel you into insecurity or outright fear? Are you blithely assuming that your lifestyle will continue unchanged after divorce? Are you assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that you will receive spousal support? This is a really good time to consider some supportive therapy, as emotional issues triggered by your financial situation surface and may distract you from a logical, reasonable solution.

8. Do You Expect to Pay or Receive Spousal Support (Alimony)?

Though fewer divorce settlements include long alimony payments these days, many people still assume that lifetime support will be part of their own settlement. Getting accurate information is very useful in helping your team create models for your financial future.

9. Where Are You in the Divorce Process?

For better or worse, most people will seek out a family lawyer first in their divorce process. You may decide not to bring in a financial professional until further into the process, perhaps thinking you’ll save money by delaying. However, having your lawyer and financial professional work together from the beginning can save both time and money in the long run. How far have you gotten in gathering and cataloging information for your financial affidavit? Do you even know what a financial affidavit is? Your financial expert can help to guide you through the financial process just as your lawyer will guide you through the legal one. Taking the time to understand your current situation as well as the road ahead will help your team tailor their communication, advice and instructions to your specific needs.

10. What Questions Can A Professional Answer for You?

This might be the best place to start. Divorce is a confusing, emotional, overwhelming experience, and most people simply don’t know what to expect. A little Q&A with an expert can go a long way toward making you feel more in control of the process. Have some patience and compassion for yourself – and if you don’t understand something, keep asking questions until you do.

Schedule a free consultation with me to discuss how I can help you navigate issues pertaining to divorce, financial planning, retirement planning  and other matters of importance to women: Calendly.com/contactagrace; or call me at 716-817-6425.

Adrienne Rothstein Grace, CDFA, CFP is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst , author of
Going From We to Me: A Financial Guide to Divorce, and the founder of Transitioning Finances, a financial strategy firm that works with women who are thinking about, or going through, a financially complicated divorce. She also advises women who have lost a loved one, or experienced other financially challenging transitions. She can be reached at: Adrienne@AdrienneGrace.com.

We seek self-fulfillment and personal satisfaction in marriage. We value open and continued
communication, and that may be hard to come by after decades of combining work and home
responsibilities and the demands of child care. About 1/3 of married people have admitted to
financial infidelity- lying about spending, or hiding money from a spouse. Money issues are a
higher indicator of break-up than issues around sex! (Yes, really.)

If you are 65 now, you can expect to live another 20-25 years. Big life changes like an empty
nest, retirement, or the death of a friend can lead to serious reassessment of a relationship that
is less than ideal.

Getting a Divorce Late in Life Has Additional Financial Consequences

Going it alone late in life may offer freedom, but that comes with many challenges. Retirement
funds earmarked for the you as a couple, won’t go as far to support two separate households.
Dividing the number scramble of plans (401k,403b, 457), as well as pensions, IRA’s,
investments and all your marital assets is a very complex process.

Make certain your health and financial houses are in order for the best outcome in your new life.
A Divorce Financial Planner can help you determine how long your assets will last and what
adjustments are needed for continued financial stability. Divorce also underscores the need for
careful estate planning – especially if you have children.

Any divorce is challenging, but in many ways, grey divorce presents the most difficult hurdles of
all. Be sure to hire a qualified divorce team to help you achieve a settlement that recognizes
your unique position while ensuring your financial stability in both the short and long-term.

Avoid the common mistakes most women make about money, especially when they are in crisis- divorce, widowed, etc.  Schedule a free consultation with me at Calendly.com/contactagrace; or call me at 716-817-6425.

Adrienne Rothstein Grace, CDFA, CFP is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst , author of
Going From We to Me: A Financial Guide to Divorce, and the founder of Transitioning Finances, a financial strategy firm that works with women who are thinking about, or going through, a financially complicated divorce. She also advises women who have lost a loved one, or experienced other financially challenging transitions. She can be reached at: Adrienne@AdrienneGrace.com.

Walking from room to room can evoke years of memories, both good and bad. You may have remodeled, decorated and redecorated every inch of it, with treasured items at every turn. Or unhappiness may lurk there, in every dark corner. The equity in your house — the part you own, without the bank — can be your pot of gold, cash to fund your freedom.

However you feel about the house, it’s likely the biggest asset you own jointly, and what you do with it next, will be an important part of your divorce settlement. Most women and mostly all children -would prefer to stay where they are. But this is an important decision to be made by the adults. This is a time of change. The challenge is to separate the emotional from the practical, and take a long, hard look at your home, and
make important decisions about it.

Part of my job, at Transitioning Finances, is to complete the financial analyses needed to help you see if you can afford to stay- and for how long. Here are some key questions for you to consider, if you’re going through a divorce and want to keep the house.

Why do you want to keep the house?

Is it because it’s easier to stay than to pack up and go? Maybe it’s in a convenient location near the kids’ schools or close to where you work? Or, maybe your parents and siblings live just around the corner, and you value the support and connection. Try to keep emotions out of your decision, so that you can reach a divorce settlement agreement that puts you on a solid financial footing.

Can you afford to keep the house? This is important at every income level. How do the expenses of the house impact your soon-to-be-single budget? Is there enough money in the new budge to cover everything? Beyond the mortgage, taxes, utilities, insurance, maintenance, there are the unexpected repairs and constant upkeep. The‘honey-do’ list is all yours now, and you may have to hire professionals to take care of things your spouse used to do. A house costs money. Even affluent women have to thoughtfully weigh their options.

Would some other assets be worth more to you than the house? It’s important to understand that not all assets that are valued the same are actually worth the same.

Here’s an example:
Let’s say you’re trying to decide whether to keep a $500,000 savings account or a $500,000 house that’s completely paid off. On paper, they look the same. Your dream is to stay in this house until your youngest graduates from high school — thee years more, and you’re betting that the house will grow substantially in value. In addition to all the expenses we mentioned above, when you eventually sell your home, there may be
expenses to make the house ready for optimum sale- things to be fixed, painted, landscaped. These expenses are yours. Let’s assume you bought the home for $150,000, your neighborhood is now in high demand, and it’s now worth $500,000. Your capital gain is $350,000.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? But wait. Subtract your $250,000 capital gains exclusion as a single person, and you’ll have to pay capital gains tax on $100,000. At the current capital gains tax rate of 15%, that’s a tax bill of $15,000. Add that to the costs of sale, estimated at 8%, for another $40,000 off the top.

In three years, the savings account could be worth est. $520,000 (at approx. 1.25% ) It could alternatively provide extra cash to cover your expenses. Your house could net you $445,000, after taxes and expenses, only after you sell. You may have a different opinion about keeping the house vs taking the cash.

What other living options are available to you?

Is there a good alternative, for the single person/single parent you will be? Maybe your house is just too big for your smaller family. Maybe a fresh start would be good for everyone. Are there rental options nearby? Smaller properties available? Keep in mind that there are lots of different places you can call “home.”

Going From We to Me can be very challenging. Avoiding the emotional roller coaster of divorce when making important decisions about your family home isn’t easy- but it can be crucial to your future financial health.. With the help of your advisors and CDFA, make the best decision you can, as a part of a comprehensive plan for continued financial stability and security in the future.

Avoid the common mistakes most women make about money, especially when they are in crisis- divorce, widowed, etc.  Schedule a free consultation with me at Calendly.com/contactagrace; or call me at 716-817-6425.

ADRIENNE ROTHSTEIN GRACE, CFP®, CDFA
CERTIFIED DIVORCE FINANCIAL ANALYST
1404 SWEET HOME RD, SUITE 9 AMHERST, NY 14228
716-817-6425/FAX 716-313-1754
ADRIENNE@ADRIENNEGRACE.COM
WWW.TRANSITIONINGFINANCES.COM
MEMBER, NYS COUNCIL ON DIVORCE MEDIATION.
EMPOWERING YOU. FINANCIALLY.

SECURITIES AND ADVISORY SERVICES OFFERED THROUGH CADARET, GRANT & CO., INC., A REGISTERED INVESTMENT ADVISOR AND MEMBER FINRA/SIPC. DAVIS FINANCIAL SERVICE AND CADARET, GRANT & CO., INC. ARE SEPARATE ENTITIES.

Divorced myself, I can testify why! Maybe these are true for you, too?

I can still recall the feeling of being overwhelmed during the holiday season. So many holiday events, so many
parties, family gatherings, etc. when all I really wanted to do was try to get my husband to communicate truthfully with me, without all the noise of the social and family world. But that didn’t happen, and I dutifully (I admit, it was really fun) baked cookies with my daughter and friends, and made my signature pecan pies to bring to holiday work parties and dinners. I never really knew if he would be with me at these events or not, so I had some pat lines ready to cover his absence. Dodging conversations with assorted relatives about how things are going, when

I really didn’t want to tell them the truth, was exhausting. Pretending was the modus operandi for the holiday
season. Is that the same for you? My clients often relate similar experiences in their lives.

The new year brings blessed relief from all the running around and pretending to both sides of the family that everything is just peachy and fine. And the kids go back to school! And New Year’s Resolutions, the private ones that you don’t share with anyone else, are now written down.

Just looking at the words I wrote, seeing them in black and white, gave those words and me some power I had given up:
I don’t want to live another year like this, unhappy and unfulfilled, insecure and small. I won’t give up my
confidence any more. I won’t live any more with lies, his to me and mine to myself. Our kids and me, we deserve better than this!

Maybe making this kind of resolution can empower you to action, as well. By mid- January, many are motivated to move forward for the new year.

And don’t forget the post- Christmas bills. I’ll never forget when I reviewed credit card statements while preparing a lifestyle analysis for my client, Emily. She was on the fence about divorce; she just wanted to get a handle on the finances of her marriage, now managed by her husband. I found a $10,000 charge from an on-line jewelry store, and brought it to her attention. Unfortunately, she had not received any jewelry for Christmas, nor for their December anniversary, or, indeed any gift of that cost. When she confronted Larry, her husband, about it, he confessed that had bought the diamond and amethyst bracelet – for his girlfriend. Emily didn’t file for divorce in January. She waited til February!

For others, it can be the financial pressure that overspending for the holidays can bring. When relationships are rocky, sometimes you think that a big, expensive gift will make it be all right. When Dad isn’t spending quality time with the kids, lots of presents might make them feel better for a while. Or that last-ditch family vacation can max out the credit cards without really making anyone feel better. When the bills come in, they can represent another failure, albeit one that still needs to be paid for.

It’s not all terrible! New years can bring renewed hope for new beginnings, courage to take action to make things better, to move forward. There’s a fresh new year out there, waiting for you to make it be what you really want.

So flipping the calendar does offer that hope of a fresh start, the courage to make a change. And a busy season for family law attorneys, counselors and therapists, and Certified Divorce Financial Analysts, as we all gear up to help our clients create their new reality in the new year.

1.  Allow everyone to grieve and mourn the holidays of the past. Divorce is a kind of death: of unfulfilled expectations, or the family unit we used to be. Don’t try to pretend that the pain isn’t there.  Allow your kids to talk about the past, acknowledge it and move forward to now and how you’ll build your new future.
2. Be Thankful.  Focus on what you and your children have, rather than what you’ve lost.  Revenge is not sweet.  Keeping your thoughts positive will benefit everyone.
3. Watch your spending. More is not always better.  With budgets that may be tighter now, don’t dig yourself a hole that will be hard to climb out of in January.
4. Create New Memories.  Use this time to create memorable new experiences for both you and your children.  Do something different.  Make something together.  Create new ornaments, baked treats, table decorations; take lots of pictures of your new holiday creations.
5.  Try to avoid some of the usual rushing around, to allow for some quiet time.  Be thoughtful.  Think about what will support you and your kids best, during this time of transition.

As you well know, divorce is a long process. My therapist friends tell me it usually takes two years for people to ‘get over’ their divorce.  Sometimes it’s longer. The first holidays are hard but once you get past this one, it will get easier. Really!

For Sheila, reducing today’s expenses by selling the family home and downsizing to a smaller place makes the most sense financially. Yes, it is yet another change that she and the children will need to absorb. It could mean changing schools and disrupting children’s neighborhood friendships.  In fact, all of the family’s habits and comforts will be disrupted more than it already is. Emotionally, this is a very tough decision. But financially, it is vital to keeping the family on track to their future.  As time goes on, there will be college tuitions to pay, weddings to be hosted, cars to be replaced and emergencies handled.

Clients come to me from all walks of life with the same question – “How can I maintain my lifestyle after my divorce?” For some – they simply cannot. Their marital combined income that may have barely supported just one household, will now be split into two. Where once Sheila had her husband on tap for quick household repairs and maintenance, she will now be hiring outside services. Sheila’s husband’s small business allowed him to be available for child care in the afternoons – now afterschool daycare costs need to be added.  Not only will Sheila have less money to cover expenses – she will also have more expenses.

This is a time of hard decisions.  As the adult in the family you need to be the one to face them- and help everyone, including yourself, move on.  Sometimes this very hard decision is the only one  that will provide a secure future for all of you.

A large majority (80%) of “grey divorcees,” people who divorced at the age of 50 or older, say they will delay their retirement because they need to work longer than planned and more than half (62%) say their post-divorce savings and investments will no longer be adequate to fund their retirement.

“Going through a divorce can be difficult at any age, but older couples face unique challenges in retirement planning as a result of later-in-life separations,” said Christine Van Cauwenberghe, Assistant Vice-President of Tax and Estate Planning at Investors Group. “With limited earning power and less time to recoup their financial losses, grey divorcees need to re-visit their financial plans.”

More than half (53%) say they have had to adjust their retirement plans and of this group, 55% say that their plans completely changed. Almost half (47%) say they will have to scale back on their anticipated retirement lifestyle.

“Divorce is an emotional process that can cloud your ability to make sound financial decisions that will ultimately affect your future,” said Christine.

The divorce process is overwhelming – especially when more than a third of grey divorces were classified as “bitter divorces.” Of those experiencing bitter divorces, a significant majority (80%) say they found it difficult to make financial decisions surrounding their divorces as compared to 54% of all grey divorces.

Almost three quarters (74%) of respondents who sought the advice of a financial advisor during their divorce agreed they were given sound financial advice throughout the process and 82% agreed their advice was helpful post-divorce.

And those who sought financial advice before their divorce were more confident about their retirement with 39% feeling they would still have enough savings and investments to fund the retirement lifestyle they had planned. Of those who did not work with a financial advisor, only 28% believe they still have enough to fund their retirement.

“After any life change it is crucial to reassess your current financial plan to ensure that it reflects your new direction in life,” said Christine. “As you get closer to your retirement years there is a greater urgency to have a financial plan in place that helps you to achieve the lifestyle you envision whether it be together or apart.”