That’s the reason I chose this phrase for the title of my book, because it really describes the journey we take in divorce and afterwards.

I offer you the following, that has helped me and hundreds of my clients make this life-altering transition. I know I repeated these things to myself so many times during and after my own divorce. I found grounding and a path forward. You can, too.

He is not your problem. No matter what you think about him, he is not your problem. No matter what you feel about him, he is not your problem.

He is who he is, and he is going to do whatever he is going to do. You can’t change who he is and you can’t control what he does.

He is only your problem because you empower him to become your problem. You empower him by allowing him to push your buttons. You empower him to be your problem each time you react in a way that causes you to lose your focus and compromise your values.

He is not your problem because what he thinks about you, what he believes you deserve or how he feels about you is not relevant to anyone but him.

He is not your problem because he does not have the power to define success or failure for anyone but himself. He does not dictate how you define who you are, and how you will live your life.

Who he is, is not your problem unless you want him to be someone different. What he does is not your problem unless you are wishing and hoping that he does something differently. What he says to you or about you is not your problem unless you want him to say something different.

He may make you feel crazy, angry, sick, sad, resentful, fearful, insecure, disempowered, small and guilty. He may be unfair, nasty, vengeful or cold. He may be a problem but don’t make him your problem. That will only distract you from your real problems

Your real problem is how to conclude your divorce and move on with your life, separate from him. He’s not your problem. Your divorce is, and that’s a problem you can solve.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

Does this resonate with you? If you need some support to move forward in your divorce with confidence and clarity, just click here to schedule a free Financial Clarity session with me. We can outline some steps you can take now, and see if it’s a fit for us to work together to support you more. Schedule your free financial clarity session today at calendly.com/contactAGrace!

Insurance

1. Apply for COBRA or other health insurance, if necessary
2. Change your insurance: auto and homeowner’s/renters from a joint policy to one for you, even if your address stays the same.
3. Draft and execute a new will, trust, power of attorney, living will and health care proxy.
4. Change the beneficiaries on your life insurance, 401k, pension and IRA (Roth and Traditional), 529 plans and any other accounts which have a beneficiary designation.
5. If purchase or maintenance of life insurance policies is mandated, follow up to ensure that it has been completed. Ask for proof, and set up an annual compliance procedure to be sure that policies stay in force with appropriate beneficiary designations

Assets:

6. Divide your assets- and debts- as agreed in the decree. You may need a financial advisor (CDFA) to help with this.
7. Change the locks and access codes and passwords on all secured items: real estate, vehicles, boats, safety deposit boxes, post office boxes, email, bank accounts, etc.
8. Remove your name, or your ex’s name from any joint accounts or mortgages. If the divorce decree requires a quitclaim or warranty deed, follow up until it is executed and recorded.  Your attorney may assist with the deed.  If refinancing is required, start the process as soon as possible.
9. Meet with a financial advisor (Certified Financial Planner, or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to put together a financial plan for your new future. If you had an advisor during your marriage, consider working with someone new, to avoid potential conflicts of interest.  Review investments received as a part of the settlement to determine if they are appropriate for your new circumstances.  Reallocate as needed, especially regarding Steps 16, 17, below.
10. If transfers of investment, retirement and savings accounts are included in your divorce settlement (IRA, Roth IRA, other accounts), follow up until the transfers are made into your own accounts. Your financial advisor can be very helpful in tracking this.
11. If a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (ODRO) is required to divide 401k, 403b, pensions, other retirement accounts, contact your attorney, or a QDRO specialist to have the order drafted and sent to the appropriate place(s). Follow up, or have your financial advisor help you follow up until the orders have been fulfilled and retirement funds have been transferred to your name.
12. Hire a new CPA or tax preparer to help with your tax return. Review and adjust your withholding allowances to reflect your new filing status, income level, payment or receipt of maintenance, etc.
13. If you or your spouse is age 70 or over, recalculate your Required Minimum Distribution.

Budgeting, Banking and Credit

14. Review your income and expenses. Update or create your budget to live within your means, or determine how much additional income you need and what you need to do to earn it.

1. Open a checking and savings account in your own name, if you don’t already have one.
2. Establish a credit card in your own name, if you don’t already have one.  Use it wisely!
3. Set up direct deposit or automatic transfer for payment or receipt of child support and maintenance.

Congratulations!  Your transition is underway.  You are several steps farther along your path to empowering yourself, financially.

Here’s a list of questions that I ask each of these clients to consider as we pull together their divorce financial plan. Having a solid understanding of what challenges they will face helps to guide us to create focused post-divorce investment strategies that will help secure a financially sound tomorrow.

1. What about your job? Are you considering transitioning to a new career or finding a position with an existing firm? Do you have a plan for funding this transition? If you are not appropriately licensed/educated, what will it take, in terms of time, training and money to obtain the necessary certifications?
2. Where do you want to live? Urban, suburban, rural? Will any of your children come with you? Or will you be helping to set them up on their own?
3. Do you know what retirement plans you and your spouse have? Are there pensions, in addition to 401k’s and IRA’s ?
4. Do you have a budget in mind, to meet the expenses of your new living arrangements? Do you need help in determining what those expenses are/will be?
5. Is there any debt outstanding: lines of credit, credit cards, car loans, student loans co-signed?
6. Will you need to take on additional debt to fund future housing and expenses, and pay for the expenses of the divorce?
7. Who currently provides health insurance for both spouses? Do you know the cost?  Alternatives for coverage upon divorce?
8. Is there long-term care insurance for either or both spouses? Should such a policy (if currently owned, or available for purchase) be included in the settlement agreement?
9. Have you considered tax consequences of many of the above items: possible capital gains on sale of either/both properties, taxes on withdrawals from retirement plans; capital gains on sale of other investments; tax deduction and liability for spousal maintenance payments? Is there a tax liability from the sale of Harry’s business which may come up in this year’s tax return?

Preparing for a divorce in later years has very specific considerations. Thoroughly educating yourself will help set the way for a brighter future to better enjoy those glorious years of independence.

The question always rises: “How can I get through this in the easiest way?” I am not suggesting that divorce could ever really be considered “easy.” But there are resources to help you get through the process in a less stressful and more focused manner.

Supporting yourself with a team of professionals who will guide you through the process to help you achieve the best outcome for today and your future is one of the smartest things you can do at this juncture. One member of the team- a neutral financial professional- can help both of you achieve a fair and equitable financial settlement. Certified Divorce Financial Analysts (CDFA^TM) are trained in the fundamentals of divorce and finance and have extensive experience in meeting the special needs of divorcing couples.  Knowledge of financial planning concepts and divorce financial issues enable your CDFA to provide you with a structure and a process to help you to design your optimal financial settlement.

There are so many things to consider when trying to fairly divide your assets and debts, find ways to live within your new means, and develop your financial future. A CDFA can work simultaneously with both of you. They help you gather the necessary financial information to help you understand your economic situation and help to provide a structure and process for you both to discuss your concerns, with your questions heard and dealt with respectfully.

It is common in most relationships for one of you to be more financially savvy than the other. That person usually handled the financial matters for both of you. Often couples request that the less financially savvy spouse receive additional assistance to help bring them “up-to-speed.” By helping the “non-financial” spouse to be better informed and confident on financial issues, informed decisions can be made, and the process can move forward more easily.

A neutral financial specialist is cost-effective for you in several ways. First, only one professional may be needed – not one for each of you. Second, the initial process often takes place without attorneys present, saving their hourly costs. Most importantly, they provide focused financial expertise that often results in creative and effective financial solutions. They are trained and experienced in researching and analyzing personal, business and tax issues in divorce.

With the right professional expertise, working in Collaborative process can help you to take some of the stress out of your divorce, and help to make your process more successful emotionally and financially.

During a Collaborative Divorce, you and your spouse each hire a separate attorney who has been trained in the Collaborative process. The role of the attorneys in a Collaborative Divorce is quite different than in a ‘Court’ divorce: the goal is to reach agreement, not to go to trial and ‘fight’.  You will meet with your attorney separately and then you and your attorney will also meet together with your spouse and her attorney for all settlement discussions/negotiations. The Collaborative process may also involve other neutral professionals, such as a divorce financial planner, who will help both of you work through financial issues and a coach or therapist, who can help guide you through child custody and other emotionally charged issues.

You, your spouse, your attorneys and consultants brought into the Collaboration, must all sign an agreement that requires all participants to withdraw from the case if a settlement is not reached and/or if litigation is threatened. If this happens, you must start all over again and find new attorneys. Neither party can use the same attorneys or consultants again. This protects the confidentiality of the process, but also underscores the need to be committed to reaching a fair settlement out of Court. Each spouse agrees to voluntarily disclose the details of their financial position, business assets, etc. If there is a lack of trust, or doubt about the truthfulness of these disclosures, the Collaborative process may not be right for you.  We still believe in: Trust, but verify.

As with Mediation, if the Collaborative Process is successful, you will usually not have to appear in Court.  Your attorney will submit the papers to enable a Judge to incorporate the agreement into the Judgement/Decree of Divorce. These processes, referred to as Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), can be much quicker and less expensive than traditional litigation. Each spouse’s issues can be heard and acted upon, so there is the possibility of a more cooperative relationship moving forward, especially important for your children.

I do caution my clients on when NOT to use a collaborative (or mediated) divorce. Be sure to support yourself with a full divorce team of specialists if:

• You suspect your spouse is and will continue to hide assets/income.
• Your spouse is domineering, and you’re afraid to voice your opinions.
• There is a history or threat of domestic violence (physical and/or mental) towards you and/or your children.
• You and/or your spouse have a drug/alcohol addiction.

She lamented about all the decisions she needed to make. And then, likely motivated by the fears we all share, uttered the words – “We’re considering getting divorce on our own – no lawyers.” The experienced side of me wanted to rush to her side and advise her, but given the social environment, I knew it would be better to write her a note. For those of you who might consider a “Do it Yourself Divorce,” here is that note that I wrote to “Paula.” Share it as you wish.

Dear Paula, I wanted to take a moment and reach out to you with support – as a women who has been divorced, and as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst – my heart is heavy for you tonight.   Although I promise that in the end you will find empowerment and purpose like never before, there is so much you need to go through to get there. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I could not help but think about your news that you and your husband were considering a do-it-yourself-divorce. First, I want to applaud you on your optimism and your strength in meeting this challenging time head-on. Your spirit is to be admired. But, dear Paula, as your friend I feel compelled to warn you, better yet – to jump up and down and stamp my in an attempt to stop you from making what could be a very terrible mistake.

Paula, you are a smart, well-educated, successful mother of three with a future that needs to be protected. Why not take that intelligence and initiative and pull together your divorce team to help to make certain that the settlement you secure is good for you now-and also in the future, as well?

A do-it-yourself divorce might seem attractive with less acrimony and less expense, but in the end, statistically speaking – a do-it-yourself divorce is likely to yield a less positive outcome for you that may not serve you in the future.

Here’s why I would not recommend you proceed without the support of a fully engaged divorce team:

• If you make a “mistake,” it can be irreversible and very costly. Once done, the divorce is There are no divorce settlement do-overs. You don’t know- what you don’t know.
• You are getting divorced for a reason – there are some irreconcilable differences between you and your husband. Often, in divorce planning, WE turns into ME.  Why do you think that you can sit down together and develop a plan that suits the both of you equally well? 
• Divorce has complications you haven’t even realized yet – whether in the future of your children and their education, or tax consequences of settlement options, or retirement savings. Have you thought about the fact that because you took five years away from your career to be at home with your children, that limited your income potential? It also reduced your social security contributions, and because you and your husband will be married less than ten years you will not be able to receive social security benefits based on his earnings. How will you make up for that in your settlement?
• Do you truly understand the differences between alimony and child support when it comes to income tax? Or when you consider future relationships? You are a young, vivacious and interesting woman – you will love again. But at what (financial) cost?
• Your middle child – your daughter – how will you secure her future, given her learning disability? At this point we are all unsure of how she will continue to grow and what her needs will be down the road. How will you plan for that?

My dearest Paula, be the smart, empowered, successful woman you are and use the resources at your fingertips. It’s not about whether or not you and you husband will have differing opinions – you will – it’s about how you take your opinions and use them to secure your future.   

The first thing you should do is review your credit report to see what information it contains. The easiest way to get your report from all three credit bureaus is by going to www.annualcreditreport.com. This is the official site that was established to allow people the opportunity to receive a free annual copy of their credit report.

Once you get your credit report, review all the information to make sure that everything is listed properly and that none of your ex’s information or accounts are showing up.

While not necessarily common, it is not unusual to find that your ex may have used your credit card for something unauthorized (like a new car!) or may have opened a new account in both your names to fund purchases you didn’t know about.  If you find such a situation, contact your attorney first to see what recourse you may have.  Contact the credit company and freeze the card or the account right away.

If you find errors, you should contact the credit bureau to have the error corrected (the information on how to do this will come with your credit report). Once the dispute process is completed, you will receive notification from the credit bureau along with an updated copy of your credit report.

You also want to look for any accounts that should have been closed during your divorce that are still showing as open accounts. In this instance, you should contact the creditors to close it, and ask that they report to the credit bureaus that the account was closed at your request. After requesting the change for your account listing, you should wait at least a month or two before ordering another copy of your report to verify that it has been updated correctly.

If you don’t have a credit history due to everything being in your ex-husband’s name, it’s time to establish one. The easiest way to get started is by applying for a credit card. You should check with your local bank to see if they offer credit cards through their institution. You can also apply for a department store credit card to start establishing your credit. Once you get a credit card, the trick is to use it wisely. Purchasing small items, and paying for them on time (always!) is a great way to establish a good credit record.

1. Depositions are not conversations – They are formal, legal proceedings. Resist the urge to “tell your story.” The time to tell your story is at trial with a judge present to hear you.
2. You cannot win your case at your deposition – But you can help to lose it. Don’t help opposing counsel with unrelated details. Give them only what they ask for, while still telling the truth.
3. Think before you answer – Listen to the question – make sure you completely understand the question before you begin to answer it. You can ask that the question be repeated, or restated. Take your time.
4. Keep your answers short – When you give lengthy answers you are revealing more information and giving opposing counsel ideas for more questions.
5. Never guess. “I don’t know” and “I don’t recall” are perfectly good answers.  If you say “I don’t recall” you may be asked if there is anything that can help you remember. Be sure to think before you respond. It may be that documents can refresh your memory.
6. Never say “Never” – Eliminate adjectives like “never” and “always” from your vocabulary.
7. Do not volunteer information – If there is silence, do not fill it in with talk. Don’t attempt to explain or justify your answer. Give the facts as you know them and stop.
8. Don’t get angry – When you become angry you risk revealing too much information and may send a message that you are not well-prepared to be a witness. If you need to take a break to compose yourself, do so.
9. Stop talking when your attorney “objects”. There are important reasons for your attorney’s objections. You may still be permitted to answer the question, but wait to be told.
10. Confer with your attorney – You have the right to confer with your attorney privately, off the record, regarding the question and any proposed answer. Do not hesitate to exercise this right.

The purpose of the deposition is to prepare your ex’s case and to give them as much information possible about your case from your perspective. Tell the truth, but follow these tips to help protect yourself.

Couples obtaining divorces using the two-attorney adversarial process spent 134 percent more in total fees than couples using comprehensive divorce mediation to resolve all issues. This study was conducted with comparing groups that did not differ in complexity of divorce, marital conflict, anger at spouse, anticipated disagreement, or household income.

Many adversarial couples not only create a poisonous atmosphere but often ratchet up attorneys’ fees. Family law attorneys often charge more than $350 an hour, may want a $10,000 retainer (renewable when depleted, naturally) and charge you 15 minutes of billable time for reading one short email.

Sometimes attorneys also engage other experts, such as business valuation specialists, pension evaluators, certified public accountants, investigators and career and vocation evaluators, among others. Fees can mount up.

If money issues are all you have to work out between you and your spouse, you may want to consider working with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) or Divorce Financial Planner to iron out these issues. If you both can come to agreement on your own then you eliminate the need for much of the drama and trauma of divorce.

When you engage a non-acrimonious process, and collaboratively progress through your divorce you will see lower costs, better relationships moving forward, and a better, more strategic outcome overall.

Start thinking of your divorce as a business transaction and conduct yourself accordingly. Approach your ex-spouse as you would someone across the board room table. Be diligent and steadfast in your approach, but be pragmatic and respectful at the same time.

To get the best results, get educated, get organized and become a proactive partner with the members of your divorce team. Remember, you have just one shot to get it done right the first time or you will live with the mistakes for a lifetime!

Consider a collaborative divorce process. In the collaborative process you work within a “Team Approach” consisting of all or a combination of:

• Two attorneys – each representing one spouse, or
• Two coaches – each representing one spouse
• One financial neutral – does not represent either party
• Potentially, one child specialist – represents the child(ren)

This team approach can bring excellent results if all parties are truly committed to making it work without going to court. That is, if all parties are committed to “taking the fight off the table.”

Just because you are choosing to not engage in acrimonious fighting with your ex-spouse, doesn’t mean you don’t want to still protect your best interests. Be as clear as possible on your goals. How can you get a good settlement when you don’t know what that looks like? Give your future a lot of thought so that you understand what your financial needs will be down the road. And understand what you are willing to “give up” in the process. Neither of you will get everything.

Today’s educated divorcing couple understands the benefits of limiting the fight in their divorce. After all, you are already at the divorce table – how you handle yourself here has far reaching effects on your future. A collaborative process is key to managing your divorce with dignity, respect, and achieving the best outcome possible.