Right up there with losing some weight, getting a divorce is high on the New Years Resolution list for many. Is it for you?

January represents a new start, a renewed chance to improve your life, set and achieve your goals, find happiness or just end the misery of a bad relationship.

Christmas fun is over, as is the pressure to put on a brave face for the in-laws and the kids. Holiday overspending bills come in, and maybe you didn’t get anything you really wanted. Financial pressure rises.

It’s also a grey and cold month up here in the north. SADD and cabin fever set in when it’s too cold to go outside, and too-much togetherness can enhance conflict when it’s already brewing.

As we start 2023, the economy is in an interesting place, with high inflation, and lots of job opportunities. Is this the perfect time to salvage the increased value of your house, or maybe to buy it out while the value is dropping? Will an end of year work bonus provide some additional cash for legal and other expenses?

No wonder they call January ‘Divorce Month’.

Is this resonating with you? Let’s talk and see if we can help you find some clarity as you think about the 2 big questions: 

Should I stay or should I go?  And- Will I Be ok?

Schedule a free Financial Clarity session with me at: www.calendly.com/contactAGrace and we’ll tackle this new year together.

A view of the ancient city of Toledo, Spain, spread out like a page from a storybook, seen from our hotel window. A lifelong dream to tour Spain-realized with my month-long vacation last fall.

Me? Take a month-long vacation? Not possible, I told myself for a long time. I’m self-employed. I’ve never been anywhere for a whole month. My clients need me. I do speak Spanish, but to be away for that long? Yadda yadda yadda. All the reasons why I couldn’t possibly.
But I’ll confess, I actually do take my own advice sometimes! And the advice I took years ago was to save. I save 10% from every paycheck. That’s MY money. Not for bills, not for the house, not for anything, really, just to have for FREEDOM. And it’s my freedom money that enabled this trip.

A 7 day tour with an alumni group in Catalonia, 90 minutes north of Barcelona with my ‘significant other’, followed by another week or so of travelling on our own to Pamplona and Madrid. And then he went home, and I had the extra gift of 10 days travelling in Spain with my adult daughter in Madrid, Toledo, Granada.

I/we visited so many of the places I’ve studied throughout my life, as a Spanish speaker, a Spanish major in college, and a Spanish teacher (junior high and college) before I became a financial professional. Truly a lifelong ambition, the top item on my ‘bucket list’. And I did it.

With the power of intention- Yes, I can! And the power of saving. When I started my freedom account, I didn’t have any specific thing in mind. Maybe you will- whatever you dream of: travel? Buying a house? A musical instrument with lessons to learn to play? A friend of mine has a ‘tummy-tuck fund’. Whatever you want can be possible with those two things: An intention, and enough money to fund your dream.

Is it selfish to put aside some money for yourself? Maybe. And maybe we need to revisit the definition of ‘selfish’. Taking care of ‘self’ is not a bad thing, not something to feel guilty about. But that’s a story for another time…

For now- I invite you to start saving. It doesn’t have to be much, but it helps if it’s regular. Something from every paycheck, every week/biweekly/monthly. In an account with just your name on it.

Start now- and see where it takes you when you are ready. The results can be amazing! In Spanish, Maravilloso!

Let’s create a Financial Freedom Plan with YOU at the center! Schedule your free Financial Clarity session today so we can help YOU create a financial freedom plan – www.calendly.com/ContactAGrace

January and February can be the start of a busy time of new divorce filings. After this crazy, Covid quarantine year- even more so! Do you wonder why? As both a divorce professional and a divorced single mother, here’s some insight for this new year.

Have you been feeling overwhelmed during the holiday season, with the pandemic creating so many changes to holiday events and family gatherings, were you feeling the tension rise? The pull of family tradition vs facing the Covid danger of reunion, coupled with the fact that you may not really want to be with these people, can enhance your already conflicted feelings over a rocky relationship.

Being divorced myself, I vividly recall when all I really wanted to do was get my husband to communicate truthfully with me, without all the noise of the social and family world. But that didn’t happen, and I dutifully baked cookies with my daughter and made my signature pecan pies to bring to our smaller gatherings. I never really knew if he would be with me at these events or not, so I had some pat lines ready to cover his absence. Dodging conversations with assorted relatives about how things are going, when I really didn’t want to tell them the truth, was exhausting. Pretending was the modus operandi for the holiday season.

Is that the same for you? 

The new year brought me blessed relief from all the pretending that everything is fine. And I made New Year’s resolutions, the private ones that you don’t share with anyone else. Just looking at the words I wrote, seeing them in black and white, gave me some power I had given up:

I don’t want to live another year like this, unhappy and unfulfilled, insecure and small. I won’t give up my confidence anymore. I won’t live any more with lies, his to me and mine to myself. Our kids and me, we deserve better than this! I don’t know how to manage the money or the finances of the divorce- but I’ll get some help and move on!

Perhaps making this kind of resolution can empower you to action, too.

Here are 3 things you can do right now: 

1.) Think about: When was I excited to wake up each morning? What can I do to bring that back into my life? That can be your first resolution, whatever it may be.

2.) Have you gotten into the pattern where you feel you have to do everything yourself (like I did)? Resolve to ask for and receive help. Find the team that can help you do what you need to. It could be finding a handyman so all the honey-do’s get done without frustration or it might it be to find a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to help get your finances in order as you consider divorce.

3.) People under stress often neglect their health, so you may end up feeling chronically tired and irritable. Resolve to take better care of yourself. Take small steps to improve your wellness regimen, just one or two things that you can succeed at: Take a walk outside every day, park a few rows farther away from the grocery store, take the stairs instead of the elevator, have an apple instead of ice cream for dessert. The new year is a great time to establish a newer, healthier regimen, and start feeling better so you can move forward with energy and confidence.

New Year. Fresh Start.

Flipping the calendar to a new page offers that hope of a fresh start, the courage to make a change. There’s a fresh new year out there, waiting for you to make it be what you really want. Taking action in January opens this up. A very wise friend told me, “Action is the Antidote to Fear”. Go for it!

And divorce professionals: Attorneys, mediators, therapists, and Certified Divorce Financial Analysts, like me, all gear up to help our clients create their new reality in the new year. To talk about your new year, just email at: adrienne@adriennegrace.com, or schedule a free Financial Clarity session with me at: www.calendly.com/contactAGrace and we’ll tackle it together.

All articles/blog posts are for informational purposes only, and do not constitute legal advice. If you require legal advice, retain a lawyer licensed in your jurisdiction. The opinions expressed are solely those of the author, who is not an attorney.

That’s the reason I chose this phrase for the title of my book, because it really describes the journey we take in divorce and afterwards.

I offer you the following, that has helped me and hundreds of my clients make this life-altering transition. I know I repeated these things to myself so many times during and after my own divorce. I found grounding and a path forward. You can, too.

He is not your problem. No matter what you think about him, he is not your problem. No matter what you feel about him, he is not your problem.

He is who he is, and he is going to do whatever he is going to do. You can’t change who he is and you can’t control what he does.

He is only your problem because you empower him to become your problem. You empower him by allowing him to push your buttons. You empower him to be your problem each time you react in a way that causes you to lose your focus and compromise your values.

He is not your problem because what he thinks about you, what he believes you deserve or how he feels about you is not relevant to anyone but him.

He is not your problem because he does not have the power to define success or failure for anyone but himself. He does not dictate how you define who you are, and how you will live your life.

Who he is, is not your problem unless you want him to be someone different. What he does is not your problem unless you are wishing and hoping that he does something differently. What he says to you or about you is not your problem unless you want him to say something different.

He may make you feel crazy, angry, sick, sad, resentful, fearful, insecure, disempowered, small and guilty. He may be unfair, nasty, vengeful or cold. He may be a problem but don’t make him your problem. That will only distract you from your real problems

Your real problem is how to conclude your divorce and move on with your life, separate from him. He’s not your problem. Your divorce is, and that’s a problem you can solve.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

Does this resonate with you? If you need some support to move forward in your divorce with confidence and clarity, just click here to schedule a free Financial Clarity session with me. We can outline some steps you can take now, and see if it’s a fit for us to work together to support you more. Schedule your free financial clarity session today at calendly.com/contactAGrace!

The next step is to start planning what the future looks like. Talk about what you each see and expect out of the next few decades.

• How do you want to split expenses? Do you deposit all funds into a joint account and then pay everything from that?  Some people prefer 50/50 even if one person makes more money. Others divide expenses based on income. Some couples even work out more creative solutions, such as: One person pays all the living expenses while the other does the saving and paying for extras, like vacations and concerts.  Figure out what works in your relationship that won’t lead to misunderstandings or conflicts.
• Do you want joint savings and/or checking accounts? Depending on how you share expenses, you may want to share savings and checking accounts, too. Create some infrastructure that helps you reach your goals. For example, a joint savings account for your dream home that each of you automatically pays into each month. Or, if you share groceries and other living expenses, you might create a checking account for those expenses, so you don’t have to keep a ledger. The more you can set and forget, the easier achieving joint goals may be.  Make certain that you talk about this on your Money Dates, so that one partner doesn’t overdraw, due to poor communication. 
• Talk contingency plans such as creating a nest egg for emergencies,  life insurance, and other safety nets. It’s a good rule of thumb to start with savings that can cover expenses  for three to six months.
• Are you interested in buying a home together? What kind of house?  How much would it cost?  Can you save up for a down payment?  Making a plan together and writing it down can help you reach that goal.
• Talk about kids and aging relatives. As a couple, you should discuss future  expenses and any expectations you have about future responsibilities before it becomes an issue. From preschool, private school and college to eldercare, there are lots of expenses that come with dependents and should be considered in your long-term planning.
• What does retirement look like for you as a couple? Discuss what retirement looks like for you.  How much income will you need? Have either of you started to save in an IRA or 401(k) plan? Did you know that 60 percent of couples and almost half of Boomers don’t have any idea how much their Social Security benefit might be?3 The information is readily available on the Social Security website if you want to start factoring that into your retirement plans.

Celebrate successes 

There will be struggles and wins on your path to financial security. Talk about how  you want to celebrate the milestones you receive. Do you want to throw a party to celebrate making the last payment on your student loans? A family night out when your emergency savings account hits its target? Recognize your successes, and make it fun.

What was once an uncomfortable topic can become the glue that binds your relationship together. Communicating about the future you want to build together can be fun! So, when are you planning your Money Date?

For more ideas on how to manage your finances, call me at 716.817.6425 and we’ll tackle this together.

If you’d like to discuss any of these helpful tips, schedule a Financial Clarity session with me at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace.

Write up a brief history of your relationship with money for your partner. Think through the issues above.  What are some of your biggest financial fears or expectations? What are your short-term and long-term financial goals?

Choose a quiet place for this date, where you can share your feelings and fears.  A quiet spot in your own home, with a bottle of wine and lots of pillows- that may be where you bring out these thoughts. Perhaps you start with a walk in the park, and then settle down at a picnic table to talk. Deep feelings can surface- and that’s what we want to share.   Anywhere you can talk, share, feel and express those feelings comfortably will do nicely.

Most people don’t take the time or maybe don’t have the courage to look closely at their feelings about money.  Human beings created the concept of money, and then many of us let it rule our lives. You can take control, and build a strong and resilient relationship with your partner, harnessing its power.  This is financial intimacy. This can help cement your love into the foundation you can build your relationship on, honest and strong. 

Enjoy these moments.  

And then tune in for: Money Date: A New Look at Finance and Romance. Part Three.

If you’d like to discuss any of these helpful tips, schedule a Financial Clarity session with me at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace.

How well do you and your partner communicate about money? 

Fidelity Investments did a Couples Retirement Study in 2015 with some startling results.  Although a majority of couples said that they communicate exceptionally or very well about finances, almost half couldn’t identify how much their partner earns.  Ten percent of couples were off by $25,000 or more!

Did you know that one in three Americans admits to lying to their spouses about money, men and women equally?

A Money Date may not set the same romantic mood, but may well be more effective in keeping you and your partner together than all the red wine, flowers and chocolate sold for Valentine’s Day.  (Well, maybe not the chocolate). Just like in your romantic relationship, regular, honest communication and understanding cement a strong financial foundation that can bind you together, come what may.

For this first one, talk about your shared goals.  This is just as important when you’re getting serious with a new partner, if you’re planning to move in together, if you are newlyweds, or even if you’ve been married for years.  Goals change, people change.  What do you want in your future?  A new home? Children? A new car? Travel? A big anniversary celebration?  Retirement?

Wherever you are in life’s journey, sharing your goals and dreams with your partner is part of what makes a relationship and a marriage meaningful.  Once you’ve shared your dreams, put some specifics in. How much does your new car cost? Will you need to take a loan to buy it? What’s the cost of a new home?  A new mortgage? If children’s education is on your list, how long do you have to save? Are you thinking of retirement? When? Where?  

When you move from dreamtime to practical application- that’s when you call in your financial planner, to help you put dollar applications to your goals, and make a plan to move forward to achieve them.

What’s next?

Stay tuned for Money Date #2- Where do we stand? How to get a solid picture of your financial situation now, to be able to realize your goals and dreams in the future. 

If you’d like to discuss any of these helpful tips, schedule a Financial Clarity session with me at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace.

 Whether you’re ready to move forward or still trying to heal from the disruption of the chaotic year that was, a new calendar means a new start. It’s an opportunity to make this year better than the last. 

Some ideas for making this New Year better than the last: 

• The past is over. Leave it there.The symbolic flipping of a page on the calendar from one year to the next is worth noting. What did you learn from the events of the past year? What can you do differently this year, for a better outcome?  What changes do you want to make?

• Take the time to learn, understand and gain control of your finances. Does the thought of this scare you?  We understand. Take a deep breath and move past it.  Do you run out of money before you run out of month? Are the checkbook and investment portfolio handled by your (possibly) soon-to-be-ex?  As the new year begins, start to familiarize yourself with the finances of your marriage. How much do you make? How much do you spend? Does the investment account statement make any sense at all?  Do you have a lot of debt? Stressful? It can be. But it’s so much better to know where you stand so you can make informed decisions when you need to. You don’t have to do this alone. Work with a financial advisor or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to see what you may need to do to get on a solid financial footing.  If you plan changes, this will be critical.

• Keep a journal. There’s something so powerful about writing important things down.   Sometimes, just writing down feelings can help you clear anger, resentment and other negativity.    Did you ever keep a diary or journal? Mine as a child was pink and had a lock that was more for show than security. Now I choose beautiful journals with handmade paper, or just a notebook with a cover I like.  Doesn’t matter. It’s a great practice for clearing your head and working through problems. Keeping a journal is a safe, private way to be honest while moving forward. Going through my own divorce, I can’t count the number of nights when I couldn’t sleep, my brain racing with doubts and fears that I couldn’t share with  my young daughter. Writing all that out brought some solace, and some sleep, as well.

• Set goals and Write them Down.  Yes, journaling again. Oddly enough, the same system of journaling or keeping a diary works just as well for goal setting and achievement.  Despite our continual use of laptops, iPads and cellphones, there is still something impactful about picking up a pen and putting words on paper.  There’s brain science that confirms that a goal that you set in vivid and careful detail, so clear that someone else reading it would know exactly what you want, is better retained in your memory.  When you remember it- you can act on it. Take some time to create your goals, for this new year, for five years, or longer.  When you decide what inspires you, describe it in vividly, cut out pictures that show it, and post them in places you can easily see. Craft the steps you need to achieve these goals, and note  your progress regularly in your journal. Go for it!

• Try something new. Whether it’s deciding to finally separate, date again, take a trip, face a fear or move to a new place, be bold and try something you wouldn’t have done before. Push the boundaries of your comfort zone! It’s also a way to assert control over your life again and do something the “old” you might not have done.  Start the new year with something you have always wanted to do — but didn’t because of your spouse. This is YOUR year!

If you’d like to discuss any of these helpful tips, schedule a Financial Clarity session with me at www.calendly.com/contactAGrace.

Clients with ‘late blooming relationships’, whether following divorce or widowhood, have a new set of choices to make.  Should we marry, or continue our relationship less formally? I know, for many of you some less-than-wonderful terms from the past for these relationships come to mind- but let’s let them go.  Those were for different times, different people. This is about YOU.

You’ll need to talk with your families, and perhaps deal with religious issues, but let’s think about the financial impact of the decision.  There are multiple impacts, and you need the best financial and legal advice, to help you decide.

Talk to your honey about money.  If you are already living together, I hope you have had the ‘money talk’ before deciding whether to merge finances.  Who pays for what? And- of paramount importance to an older population, what happens if one of you can’t live independently any more? Issues of long term care- how would it be done? by whom? How is it paid for?  What is the impact on the independent partner? These are often concerns of When- not If. If you’re concerned about whether assets can be insulated from Medicaid spend down, the government does not recognize either prenup or post-nup agreements for this purpose.  There are some protections for spouses both in the Medicaid rules and in Medicaid planning, but you need to examine the pro’s and con’s and see how marriage may impact your responsibilities and the impact on your families before making a decision.  

Do you want to execute a Prenuptial or Post-nuptial Agreement?   If you have established a business or accumulated assets, prenups and post-nups are valid tools to clarify your wishes about how your business, money and property will be distributed.  It could state that each of you have certain assets that are not marital assets, and that you name your children, for example, as beneficiaries of those assets, rather than your new spouse.  Those assets would be disclosed, and listed, for clarity. You can make other decisions regarding assets gained during the marriage.

There are some advantages to being married. If you marry, and your new your spouse has healthcare insurance through work, you can likely be covered under his or her plan. This could save substantial money. There may be also be veteran’s benefits for a spouse.  

If your spouse dies, and you inherit IRA/401k funds, there is more flexibility in payout alternatives for spouses, than non-spouse beneficiaries. There are also potential Social Security spousal benefits, both at death and during your lifetime.

If you’ve been previously divorced, there may be some disadvantages to being married.  Some benefits you may have from your ex may be lost in remarriage.

 If you have been receiving Social Security under your deceased spouse’s benefit and you remarry before age 60 (before age 50 if you are disabled), you will likely lose the prior benefit.  When your new spouse passes away, you may be eligible for that benefit, or a new one based on your new spouse’s record. 

If it doesn’t work out.  It’s hard to ‘uncouple’.  You already know that. As far as relationships are concerned, it may not be any easier to separate regardless of your legal status.  Marriage can offer some asset protection that cohabitation might not.

Do you get my point that there is a lot to consider before making this decision?  

Consult an experienced  financial planner-(ME!)- for what you need to know about your money, how to structure it  and how to manage it, to make the most of whichever choice you make. Don’t forget to check with your attorney, as well, for critical legal documents to protect yourselves and your families, once you have your finances straightened out. 

Avoid the common mistakes most women make about money, especially when they are in crisis- divorce, widowed, etc. Schedule a free consultation with me at Calendly.com/contactagrace; or call me at 716-817-6425.

Securities and Advisory Services offered through Cadaret, Grant, Registered Investment Advisor and Member FINRA/SIPC., Transitioning Finances, Davis Financial Services and Cadaret, Grant & Co., Inc. are separate entities.

No one likes to think about not being alive anymore, or the process of dying — until sometimes it’s just right there. We can’t always see what lies ahead, and death comes to us all, often without warning.

People often think of writing a will, while we’re alive and in a position to do so.  That’s very important, in order to give directions about how we want our affairs handled when we’re gone.

But before that, one of the most important things we can do is to designate a health care proxy to ensure our wishes are carried out when we can’t speak for ourselves. A health care proxy is someone we designate to advocate for us in those medical and end-of-life decisions. It could be in case of incapacity or illness, or in an emergency situation, like my friend’s.

By designating a health care proxy, all the guesswork and anxiety about who can speak for you is relieved.

A health care proxy should be someone you can trust to advocate on your behalf when you can’t, someone who understands your end-of-life wishes.  This should include whether you want to be resuscitated if you cannot breathe on your own; whether you want your organs donated; in states where there are legal options for ending a person’s suffering, your proxy would be able to carry out your wishes.

A health care proxy also takes the guessing and guilt out of death:  No wondering or stress-filled hours if someone is designated as your voice when you cannot speak. He or she will know, without a doubt, what your wishes are and that they are fulfilling your plans.  This is a blessing and a kindness to yourself, your family and your friends as they’re going through a painful, difficult time.

Did you know that some states have established a chain of command for who’s legally able to make decisions about end-of-life care? The New York Family Health Care Decisions Act designates that a legal spouse can issue directives in the event their spouse cannot speak on his or her own behalf.  If a couple is not legally separated but was on the path to that action, and one partner falls seriously ill, their estranged partner can, in the eyes of the state, still decide what happens next.

The second person in line, if a legal spouse or partner is not an option, is a child over the age of 18, followed by a parent, then a sibling, or finally a close friend.

Other states have similar statutes in place.

None of us want our lives to end, but none of us want our loved ones to have to live with the guilt or uncertainty of worrying about whether they did the right thing.  Assigning a health care proxy eliminates that concern.