If it is really, really going to happen — if you and your spouse just can’t see yourselves continuing in this journey of marriage — then it’s time to get realistic about preparing for divorce.

I’m not suggesting that divorce is a simple solution to a very complex problem: you can’t prepare for it as you might prepare for a move into a new house (though that is also a likely transition you’ll need to manage). I am suggesting that divorce, in all its complexities and emotional upheavals, can be made simpler, easier and less acrimonious with the right amount of preparation and organization.

And so with that, let’s start at the beginning and give you the three steps to prepare for your divorce.

Step 1: Take a Financial Assessment.

You’ve no doubt analyzed your feelings about this impending divorce over and over again. You’ve probably tried counseling or some sort of support mechanisms. (If you haven’t we suggest that you try!) You’ve had gut-wrenching discussions and have assessed how you will feel about being separated from your spouse. Well, now it’s time to do the same process about your finances. It’s time to get realistic.

Gather all of your financial statements and organize them in one place. When I say “your”, I mean those in your name, your spouse’s name and joint names. Consider purchasing a multi-section portable file folder to help keep you organized as you work through this step. You’ll need:

• Mortgage Statement, including any Home Equity Loans and purchase information
• Retirement Account Statement, as well as 401k’s, pension plan statements
• Credit Card Statements
• Checkbook Registry for the last year
• Any other long-term debt account statements you may have, including car loans
• Bank account and investment account statements

Pull all of the paperwork together so that you can develop an overview of how your money was spent last year and what needs to be paid in the coming six to twelve months.

Then, get the highlighter out and highlight those expenses that you’ll take with you upon divorce (e.g., if it’s your car, then assume the car payments will go on your side of the ledger). Don’t forget those pesky annual or “as required” bills — like insurance and repairs.

Then add to that list new expenditures you know will be coming up in the next 24 months (e.g., braces for little Tommy or college tuition for Beth).

Pull it all together, take a breath and walk away for a few days. Over those few days, more things will come to mind. Write them down, then start tracking down the documentation for them.

Step 2: Align Yourself with Professionals

First, think about the divorce process you and your spouse will want to undertake. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Is this going to be an acrimonious divorce? Or will my spouse and I cooperate?
• Do I already know about all of our household and personal finances? Or do I suspect that I may be out of the loop on some assets, debts or income sources?
• Do I trust my spouse to be cooperative and forthright?
• Do I have any reason to believe that I will feel intimidated by my spouse during these proceedings?
• Are we both focused on the well being of our children?

If you believe that you and your spouse will cooperate and will have joint best interests in mind while negotiating, then you might want to choose a divorce mediator or embrace a collaborative divorce. Those options are less costly, more private and usually result in a more peaceful settlement process. However, if you’re not certain about finances, or cannot trust your spouse to be completely above-board and cooperative, then you might hire a traditional divorce attorney, who will only have your interests in focus while they help negotiate the complexities of your divorce.

Legal help is only the first step. Generally speaking, attorneys are focused on the legalities of your divorce, and while many are well-versed in understanding your finances today, they are not experts in how today’s finances translate into your future. Bringing a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) into the picture helps ensure that your financial settlement works for you both today and down the road, as your needs and life-stage change.

Finally, round out the professionals you involve in your divorce with a therapist who is experienced in the divorce process. You’ll encounter new emotions, new fears, new adventures and a “new you” as your divorce unfolds. Having someone by your side to help guide the personal aspects of your divorce will help you to keep focus — which in turn makes you better prepared for both the legal and financial sides of negotiation.

We have all heard the adage, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Don’t forget that it takes a team to guide you through this life-altering transition.

Step 3: Take Care of Your “Must-Do” List

There are some simple things you should do for yourself — not for the divorce — before the process begins. Before your divorce makes you entirely independent, take care of those nagging “must-dos” in your life that for one reason or another have been delayed.

1. Take care of necessary medical and dental issues now — before your health insurance may change — not only for yourself, but also for your children, if any.
2. Have a technician go through your car with a fine-toothed comb to identify any repairs that may be needed so that you are not caught off-guard with large expenses after your divorce.
3. If you are keeping your house, do the same — get an inspection, go through and make a list of necessary repairs, get an assessment on your furnace and AC and be sure to take a look at the roof and windows — knowing what to expect goes a long way in preparing for your financial future.

Taking these three key steps will help to prepare you for the weeks and months ahead as you move through your divorce process.

Have you started to ask yourself, or others any of these questions?

• Can my marriage be saved?
• What does the process of couples therapy look like?
• How do I cope with the emotions of the divorce process?
• What about the kids?
• How do we divide our property?
• What will taxes look like after divorce?
• How do I start the process?
• What if we don’t want attorneys?

Divorce is one of the most challenging decisions you will ever make, but you don’t have to do it alone. A local workshop has been created to help women contemplate taking this step, no matter where you are in the process. It provides unbiased information to help you understand all of your options, deal with your emotions, and move forward with your life.

Discover community resources available to help you through this difficult process.

Second Saturday was founded in 1988 by the non-profit WIFE.org, Women’s Institute for Financial Education. The organization has raised hundreds of thousands of dollars in scholarships and programs to help women become financially independent.

It’s not about what you already know – it’s about what you need to learn. Second Saturday offers information about the legal, financial, family and emotional issues of divorce in a logical, yet compassionate way.

With the guidance of trained professionals, workshop participants gain greater understanding of the confusing and challenging divorce process. You will hear from seasoned professionals who will answer key questions and provide critical information to guide you through your process.

’t let the opportunity to learn go by, whether for you – a friend – or a family member. https://secondsaturdaysempowerment.eventbrite.com

Discover community resources available to help you through this difficult process.

Second Saturday was founded in 1988 by the non-profit WIFE.org, Women’s Institute for Financial Education. The organization has raised hundreds of thousands of dollars in scholarships and programs to help women become financially independent.

It’s not about what you already know – it’s about what you need to learn. Second Saturday offers information about the legal, financial, family and emotional issues of divorce in a logical, yet compassionate way.

With the guidance of trained professionals, workshop participants gain greater understanding of the confusing and challenging divorce process. You will hear from seasoned professionals who will answer key questions  and provide critical information to guide you through your process.

Paul D Pearson, Attorney/Mediator.

Paul has been a Family Law, Matrimonial and personal lawyer for over 40 years.  He is a trained and experienced Mediator and Arbitrator, primarily in family law, estates and fee disputes. He has taught and written extensively on the interface of law and mental health.  He has been a leader in the development of interdisciplinary and Alternative Dispute Resolution processes in WNY, and is a past-president of the Collaborative Law Professionals of WNY (divorce-buffalo.com).  Paul is dedicated to enhancing non-litigation alternatives in  resolving divorce, personal and family disputes. He has been a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers for 40 years.

Dr. Darci Cramer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for over 20 years, and currently in private practice in Williamsville. She provides counseling for a range of individual, couple, and family issues, including infidelity, divorce, child behavior problems, parenting and co-parenting kids from birth through adolescence, anxiety, depression, and sexuality. She also talks with couples when things are going well, to help them keep it that way. Before starting her private practice, she worked for 11 years with families at The Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Clinic of Women and Children’s Hospital of Buffalo.

She hosts a weekly radio show on WBEN NewsRadio 930 called Your Family Matters, during which she takes callers’ questions about relationships and talks about topics of interest to families.

Adrienne Rothstein Grace, CFP®, CLTC, CDFA Certified Divorce Financial Analyst

Adrienne Rothstein Grace brings 30 years of financial advisory experience to clients in transition. Whether that transition is in marital status, household partners, job change or elder year planning, Adrienne’s holistic approach to financial transition planning guides clients through prudent preparation as well as rebuilding. With a measured approach to growth and preservation of assets, Adrienne works closely with her clients to develop a sound, comprehensive plan, created for each individual in transition. Adrienne’s focus is to help clients navigate their transition eliminating financial pitfalls.

Don’t let the opportunity to learn go by, whether for you – a friend – or a family member. https://secondsaturdaysempowerment.eventbrite.com