You know the old saying about having two ears and one mouth so we can listen more than we speak? There’s a lot of truth in that sentiment, but we know how difficult it can be when going through a divorce.

If the divorce is contentious, or if your former spouse is trying to intimidate you out of getting what’s rightfully yours, you might be hearing lots of negative things: criticism of your parenting abilities, your family, about the children’s behavior with you compared to when they’re with the other parent. Those negative, hurtful things might stick in your mind, making you doubt yourself, whether you were a bad spouse or didn’t live up to your potential in the relationship.

These are hard things to ignore when they prey on our worst fears about ourselves as people, as parents and as partners. Try to listen instead to the small voice deep down that reminds you that you did your best, that the divorce is not solely your fault. Listen for those little moments of heartfelt reassurance: you’re a good parent;your kids are fine; you did your best to make the marriage work.

Listen to your team of professionals: attorney/ mediator, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, therapist-  the people you’ve chosen to help you through the process. They’ll tell you exactly what you need to do and the information you need to provide to get the best possible solution and put yourself on the best path forward. This is what they do, this is what their training has prepared them for; if you’re paying them to help you navigate this difficult time, take their advice to heart and do so with a clear, calm mind.

Listen, also, to your support system. Your friends, especially long-term ones who you trust, can be a  great help now.  Make time for them as a way to help yourself steady the roiling world around you. Talk with them about everything that you’re comfortable sharing.  You can express your concerns and your fears.  Also share any sense of relief, pride or triumph you might have, especially as the divorce proceeds. Friends are here to cheer you on, lift you up and reflect back a truer version of yourself than you can do on your own. Long-time friends have known you at your best and worst; they’ve got stories to remind you of your strength, your ability to get through tough times and they’ll be there to keep you moving forward.

Listen to your family. Sisters, brothers, parents, close aunts and uncles, cousins: They knew you before you met your former spouse. They’ve lived through their own adversity.  Listen to them to find core truths about yourself, to remember that you’re capable and ready for whatever comes next.

Perhaps most importantly, listen to your children. Divorce can be a scary thing for a child, regardless of age, because the only life they’ve known is coming to an end. If your child becomes angrier or more withdrawn as you and your former spouse are splitting up, sit down and, calmly and with love, ask what they are feeling. Be gentle, and really listen to the answer. Is he afraid of never seeing his other parent again, or relatives on your former spouse’s side of the family? Is she angry and conflicted about “having to choose” between parents? Is there any concern at all from your children about “causing” any arguments about the divorce or the separation itself?

Be honest and forthcoming with your children but spare them the details. Remind your children that they are loved by both parents and that nothing will change that, not a divorce, not a move, not any other relationships that might take shape in the future. Reassure your children as often as they – or you – feel is needed. Tell the truth: things are changing, that life will be at least a little different, that you’re all going to be making adjustments, but, at the end of the day, you’re all still a family.  You all love each other and they will  have a safe, happy, loving home in which they are valued and important and loved. Their safety net and support system remains intact.

And every once in a while, listen to the silence. Listen to the stillness. Listen to the sunrise or sunset and take a moment to enjoy the nothingness and quiet. There’s enough shouting and loud conversation and chaos in your life as you go through a divorce: Take that minute or two to breathe deeply and enjoy the peace. Especially on this day, know that others are travelling this path as well.

This shift has resulted in another tide change when these marriages end in divorce, as do an average of 50% of marriages.  A new and growing trend has emerged where women are paying alimony and/or child support to their ex-husbands.

More than half, 56 percent, of divorce lawyers across the United States have seen an increase in mothers paying child support in the last three years and 47 percent have noted a hike in the number of women paying alimony, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

When one spouse makes more than the other, alimony is a means to equalize the lifestyle of each spouse upon dissolution of the marriage. Originally intended to protect the spouse who was not the career-driven force in the household (traditionally the female), alimony is now equalizing spouses when the woman is simply more successful than her husband.

What does this mean for women on a career rise? While planning for a divorce is counter-intuitive to nurturing a happy marriage, understanding what your rise in salary can mean in all situations, from taxes to retirement, is important for prudent financial planning. Planning should begin when first considering comingling assets.

For a couple where one or both have already acquired substantial assets, a pre-nuptual agreement can be a good tool to help avoid unpleasantness later down the road.  Consulting a financial advisor and an attorney before marriage can be helpful to understanding what is important to include in a pre-nuptual agreement, without making the agreement one that fuels your first serious disagreement.  Creating a professional balance sheet and financial inventory upfront also paves the way to appropriate discussions, making sure that both husband and wife know what assets and liabilities are in place at the start.

Establishing good communication about finances and money in your marriage is likely one of the best tools to avoiding difficulties about money now- and later.

Setting joint goals, and checking in with your financial advisor regularly to track your progress, is also a very good idea to maintain a healthy financial relationship.

So go ahead – take that promotion – climb that corporate ladder – but be sure to check back with your financial plan, and financial planner, about how to avoid risks in your future as a result of increased earnings.

Even after the judgement is entered, there are many things you must do to be certain that the financial and legal aspects of your life are in order for this next phase of your life.  Review your settlement document carefully.  You don’t want to miss any one of these important actions.

Use this checklist to help wrap important follow-up items after your divorce is final. Not every item may apply to you, but there are likely several for you to take care of.

Documents and Titles

1. Get a copy of the certified divorce decree; make extra copies and store in a safe place. Keep your marriage certificate (original or a certified copy), as well.
2. If you intend to change your name, don’t forget these places:
   1. Driver’s license, car title and registration
   2. Social security card
   3. IRS records
   4. Life, health, disability insurance
   5. Employer records
   6. Credit cards
   7. Bank, brokerage and investment accounts
   8. Professional licenses
   9. Title to real property
   10. Utility bills
   11. Passport
3. You and your ex-spouse will need to determine who will hold the originals of important documents, such as children’s passports, birth certificates, medical records, religious documents, photographs, videos, keepsakes. One of you can keep the original, but the other should have a copy.
4. If your divorce decree requires the transfer of title to cars, motorcycles, or boats, prepare, sign and deliver the necessary documents to complete the transfer. (Don’t forget Step 8, about insurance on those items).
5. Close any joint credit accounts: credit cards, department store charges.
6. Once joint accounts are closed, order a copy of your credit report, to ensure that changes have been made, and there are no unauthorized charges

Here’s a list of questions that I ask each of these clients to consider as we pull together their divorce financial plan. Having a solid understanding of what challenges they will face helps to guide us to create focused post-divorce investment strategies that will help secure a financially sound tomorrow.

1. What about your job? Are you considering transitioning to a new career or finding a position with an existing firm? Do you have a plan for funding this transition? If you are not appropriately licensed/educated, what will it take, in terms of time, training and money to obtain the necessary certifications?
2. Where do you want to live? Urban, suburban, rural? Will any of your children come with you? Or will you be helping to set them up on their own?
3. Do you know what retirement plans you and your spouse have? Are there pensions, in addition to 401k’s and IRA’s ?
4. Do you have a budget in mind, to meet the expenses of your new living arrangements? Do you need help in determining what those expenses are/will be?
5. Is there any debt outstanding: lines of credit, credit cards, car loans, student loans co-signed?
6. Will you need to take on additional debt to fund future housing and expenses, and pay for the expenses of the divorce?
7. Who currently provides health insurance for both spouses? Do you know the cost?  Alternatives for coverage upon divorce?
8. Is there long-term care insurance for either or both spouses? Should such a policy (if currently owned, or available for purchase) be included in the settlement agreement?
9. Have you considered tax consequences of many of the above items: possible capital gains on sale of either/both properties, taxes on withdrawals from retirement plans; capital gains on sale of other investments; tax deduction and liability for spousal maintenance payments? Is there a tax liability from the sale of Harry’s business which may come up in this year’s tax return?

Preparing for a divorce in later years has very specific considerations. Thoroughly educating yourself will help set the way for a brighter future to better enjoy those glorious years of independence.

The question always rises: “How can I get through this in the easiest way?” I am not suggesting that divorce could ever really be considered “easy.” But there are resources to help you get through the process in a less stressful and more focused manner.

Supporting yourself with a team of professionals who will guide you through the process to help you achieve the best outcome for today and your future is one of the smartest things you can do at this juncture. One member of the team- a neutral financial professional- can help both of you achieve a fair and equitable financial settlement. Certified Divorce Financial Analysts (CDFA^TM) are trained in the fundamentals of divorce and finance and have extensive experience in meeting the special needs of divorcing couples.  Knowledge of financial planning concepts and divorce financial issues enable your CDFA to provide you with a structure and a process to help you to design your optimal financial settlement.

There are so many things to consider when trying to fairly divide your assets and debts, find ways to live within your new means, and develop your financial future. A CDFA can work simultaneously with both of you. They help you gather the necessary financial information to help you understand your economic situation and help to provide a structure and process for you both to discuss your concerns, with your questions heard and dealt with respectfully.

It is common in most relationships for one of you to be more financially savvy than the other. That person usually handled the financial matters for both of you. Often couples request that the less financially savvy spouse receive additional assistance to help bring them “up-to-speed.” By helping the “non-financial” spouse to be better informed and confident on financial issues, informed decisions can be made, and the process can move forward more easily.

A neutral financial specialist is cost-effective for you in several ways. First, only one professional may be needed – not one for each of you. Second, the initial process often takes place without attorneys present, saving their hourly costs. Most importantly, they provide focused financial expertise that often results in creative and effective financial solutions. They are trained and experienced in researching and analyzing personal, business and tax issues in divorce.

With the right professional expertise, working in Collaborative process can help you to take some of the stress out of your divorce, and help to make your process more successful emotionally and financially.

If it is really, really going to happen — if you and your spouse just can’t see yourselves continuing in this journey of marriage — then it’s time to get realistic about preparing for divorce.

I’m not suggesting that divorce is a simple solution to a very complex problem: you can’t prepare for it as you might prepare for a move into a new house (though that is also a likely transition you’ll need to manage). I am suggesting that divorce, in all its complexities and emotional upheavals, can be made simpler, easier and less acrimonious with the right amount of preparation and organization.

And so with that, let’s start at the beginning and give you the three steps to prepare for your divorce.

Step 1: Take a Financial Assessment.

You’ve no doubt analyzed your feelings about this impending divorce over and over again. You’ve probably tried counseling or some sort of support mechanisms. (If you haven’t we suggest that you try!) You’ve had gut-wrenching discussions and have assessed how you will feel about being separated from your spouse. Well, now it’s time to do the same process about your finances. It’s time to get realistic.

Gather all of your financial statements and organize them in one place. When I say “your”, I mean those in your name, your spouse’s name and joint names. Consider purchasing a multi-section portable file folder to help keep you organized as you work through this step. You’ll need:

• Mortgage Statement, including any Home Equity Loans and purchase information
• Retirement Account Statement, as well as 401k’s, pension plan statements
• Credit Card Statements
• Checkbook Registry for the last year
• Any other long-term debt account statements you may have, including car loans
• Bank account and investment account statements

Pull all of the paperwork together so that you can develop an overview of how your money was spent last year and what needs to be paid in the coming six to twelve months.

Then, get the highlighter out and highlight those expenses that you’ll take with you upon divorce (e.g., if it’s your car, then assume the car payments will go on your side of the ledger). Don’t forget those pesky annual or “as required” bills — like insurance and repairs.

Then add to that list new expenditures you know will be coming up in the next 24 months (e.g., braces for little Tommy or college tuition for Beth).

Pull it all together, take a breath and walk away for a few days. Over those few days, more things will come to mind. Write them down, then start tracking down the documentation for them.

Step 2: Align Yourself with Professionals

First, think about the divorce process you and your spouse will want to undertake. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Is this going to be an acrimonious divorce? Or will my spouse and I cooperate?
• Do I already know about all of our household and personal finances? Or do I suspect that I may be out of the loop on some assets, debts or income sources?
• Do I trust my spouse to be cooperative and forthright?
• Do I have any reason to believe that I will feel intimidated by my spouse during these proceedings?
• Are we both focused on the well being of our children?

If you believe that you and your spouse will cooperate and will have joint best interests in mind while negotiating, then you might want to choose a divorce mediator or embrace a collaborative divorce. Those options are less costly, more private and usually result in a more peaceful settlement process. However, if you’re not certain about finances, or cannot trust your spouse to be completely above-board and cooperative, then you might hire a traditional divorce attorney, who will only have your interests in focus while they help negotiate the complexities of your divorce.

Legal help is only the first step. Generally speaking, attorneys are focused on the legalities of your divorce, and while many are well-versed in understanding your finances today, they are not experts in how today’s finances translate into your future. Bringing a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) into the picture helps ensure that your financial settlement works for you both today and down the road, as your needs and life-stage change.

Finally, round out the professionals you involve in your divorce with a therapist who is experienced in the divorce process. You’ll encounter new emotions, new fears, new adventures and a “new you” as your divorce unfolds. Having someone by your side to help guide the personal aspects of your divorce will help you to keep focus — which in turn makes you better prepared for both the legal and financial sides of negotiation.

We have all heard the adage, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Don’t forget that it takes a team to guide you through this life-altering transition.

Step 3: Take Care of Your “Must-Do” List

There are some simple things you should do for yourself — not for the divorce — before the process begins. Before your divorce makes you entirely independent, take care of those nagging “must-dos” in your life that for one reason or another have been delayed.

1. Take care of necessary medical and dental issues now — before your health insurance may change — not only for yourself, but also for your children, if any.
2. Have a technician go through your car with a fine-toothed comb to identify any repairs that may be needed so that you are not caught off-guard with large expenses after your divorce.
3. If you are keeping your house, do the same — get an inspection, go through and make a list of necessary repairs, get an assessment on your furnace and AC and be sure to take a look at the roof and windows — knowing what to expect goes a long way in preparing for your financial future.

Taking these three key steps will help to prepare you for the weeks and months ahead as you move through your divorce process.

During a Collaborative Divorce, you and your spouse each hire a separate attorney who has been trained in the Collaborative process. The role of the attorneys in a Collaborative Divorce is quite different than in a ‘Court’ divorce: the goal is to reach agreement, not to go to trial and ‘fight’.  You will meet with your attorney separately and then you and your attorney will also meet together with your spouse and her attorney for all settlement discussions/negotiations. The Collaborative process may also involve other neutral professionals, such as a divorce financial planner, who will help both of you work through financial issues and a coach or therapist, who can help guide you through child custody and other emotionally charged issues.

You, your spouse, your attorneys and consultants brought into the Collaboration, must all sign an agreement that requires all participants to withdraw from the case if a settlement is not reached and/or if litigation is threatened. If this happens, you must start all over again and find new attorneys. Neither party can use the same attorneys or consultants again. This protects the confidentiality of the process, but also underscores the need to be committed to reaching a fair settlement out of Court. Each spouse agrees to voluntarily disclose the details of their financial position, business assets, etc. If there is a lack of trust, or doubt about the truthfulness of these disclosures, the Collaborative process may not be right for you.  We still believe in: Trust, but verify.

As with Mediation, if the Collaborative Process is successful, you will usually not have to appear in Court.  Your attorney will submit the papers to enable a Judge to incorporate the agreement into the Judgement/Decree of Divorce. These processes, referred to as Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), can be much quicker and less expensive than traditional litigation. Each spouse’s issues can be heard and acted upon, so there is the possibility of a more cooperative relationship moving forward, especially important for your children.

I do caution my clients on when NOT to use a collaborative (or mediated) divorce. Be sure to support yourself with a full divorce team of specialists if:

• You suspect your spouse is and will continue to hide assets/income.
• Your spouse is domineering, and you’re afraid to voice your opinions.
• There is a history or threat of domestic violence (physical and/or mental) towards you and/or your children.
• You and/or your spouse have a drug/alcohol addiction.

Have you started to ask yourself, or others any of these questions?

• Can my marriage be saved?
• What does the process of couples therapy look like?
• How do I cope with the emotions of the divorce process?
• What about the kids?
• How do we divide our property?
• What will taxes look like after divorce?
• How do I start the process?
• What if we don’t want attorneys?

Divorce is one of the most challenging decisions you will ever make, but you don’t have to do it alone. A local workshop has been created to help women contemplate taking this step, no matter where you are in the process. It provides unbiased information to help you understand all of your options, deal with your emotions, and move forward with your life.

Discover community resources available to help you through this difficult process.

Second Saturday was founded in 1988 by the non-profit WIFE.org, Women’s Institute for Financial Education. The organization has raised hundreds of thousands of dollars in scholarships and programs to help women become financially independent.

It’s not about what you already know – it’s about what you need to learn. Second Saturday offers information about the legal, financial, family and emotional issues of divorce in a logical, yet compassionate way.

With the guidance of trained professionals, workshop participants gain greater understanding of the confusing and challenging divorce process. You will hear from seasoned professionals who will answer key questions and provide critical information to guide you through your process.

’t let the opportunity to learn go by, whether for you – a friend – or a family member. https://secondsaturdaysempowerment.eventbrite.com

Discover community resources available to help you through this difficult process.

Second Saturday was founded in 1988 by the non-profit WIFE.org, Women’s Institute for Financial Education. The organization has raised hundreds of thousands of dollars in scholarships and programs to help women become financially independent.

It’s not about what you already know – it’s about what you need to learn. Second Saturday offers information about the legal, financial, family and emotional issues of divorce in a logical, yet compassionate way.

With the guidance of trained professionals, workshop participants gain greater understanding of the confusing and challenging divorce process. You will hear from seasoned professionals who will answer key questions  and provide critical information to guide you through your process.

Paul D Pearson, Attorney/Mediator.

Paul has been a Family Law, Matrimonial and personal lawyer for over 40 years.  He is a trained and experienced Mediator and Arbitrator, primarily in family law, estates and fee disputes. He has taught and written extensively on the interface of law and mental health.  He has been a leader in the development of interdisciplinary and Alternative Dispute Resolution processes in WNY, and is a past-president of the Collaborative Law Professionals of WNY (divorce-buffalo.com).  Paul is dedicated to enhancing non-litigation alternatives in  resolving divorce, personal and family disputes. He has been a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers for 40 years.

Dr. Darci Cramer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for over 20 years, and currently in private practice in Williamsville. She provides counseling for a range of individual, couple, and family issues, including infidelity, divorce, child behavior problems, parenting and co-parenting kids from birth through adolescence, anxiety, depression, and sexuality. She also talks with couples when things are going well, to help them keep it that way. Before starting her private practice, she worked for 11 years with families at The Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Clinic of Women and Children’s Hospital of Buffalo.

She hosts a weekly radio show on WBEN NewsRadio 930 called Your Family Matters, during which she takes callers’ questions about relationships and talks about topics of interest to families.

Adrienne Rothstein Grace, CFP®, CLTC, CDFA Certified Divorce Financial Analyst

Adrienne Rothstein Grace brings 30 years of financial advisory experience to clients in transition. Whether that transition is in marital status, household partners, job change or elder year planning, Adrienne’s holistic approach to financial transition planning guides clients through prudent preparation as well as rebuilding. With a measured approach to growth and preservation of assets, Adrienne works closely with her clients to develop a sound, comprehensive plan, created for each individual in transition. Adrienne’s focus is to help clients navigate their transition eliminating financial pitfalls.

Don’t let the opportunity to learn go by, whether for you – a friend – or a family member. https://secondsaturdaysempowerment.eventbrite.com

She lamented about all the decisions she needed to make. And then, likely motivated by the fears we all share, uttered the words – “We’re considering getting divorce on our own – no lawyers.” The experienced side of me wanted to rush to her side and advise her, but given the social environment, I knew it would be better to write her a note. For those of you who might consider a “Do it Yourself Divorce,” here is that note that I wrote to “Paula.” Share it as you wish.

Dear Paula, I wanted to take a moment and reach out to you with support – as a women who has been divorced, and as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst – my heart is heavy for you tonight.   Although I promise that in the end you will find empowerment and purpose like never before, there is so much you need to go through to get there. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I could not help but think about your news that you and your husband were considering a do-it-yourself-divorce. First, I want to applaud you on your optimism and your strength in meeting this challenging time head-on. Your spirit is to be admired. But, dear Paula, as your friend I feel compelled to warn you, better yet – to jump up and down and stamp my in an attempt to stop you from making what could be a very terrible mistake.

Paula, you are a smart, well-educated, successful mother of three with a future that needs to be protected. Why not take that intelligence and initiative and pull together your divorce team to help to make certain that the settlement you secure is good for you now-and also in the future, as well?

A do-it-yourself divorce might seem attractive with less acrimony and less expense, but in the end, statistically speaking – a do-it-yourself divorce is likely to yield a less positive outcome for you that may not serve you in the future.

Here’s why I would not recommend you proceed without the support of a fully engaged divorce team:

• If you make a “mistake,” it can be irreversible and very costly. Once done, the divorce is There are no divorce settlement do-overs. You don’t know- what you don’t know.
• You are getting divorced for a reason – there are some irreconcilable differences between you and your husband. Often, in divorce planning, WE turns into ME.  Why do you think that you can sit down together and develop a plan that suits the both of you equally well? 
• Divorce has complications you haven’t even realized yet – whether in the future of your children and their education, or tax consequences of settlement options, or retirement savings. Have you thought about the fact that because you took five years away from your career to be at home with your children, that limited your income potential? It also reduced your social security contributions, and because you and your husband will be married less than ten years you will not be able to receive social security benefits based on his earnings. How will you make up for that in your settlement?
• Do you truly understand the differences between alimony and child support when it comes to income tax? Or when you consider future relationships? You are a young, vivacious and interesting woman – you will love again. But at what (financial) cost?
• Your middle child – your daughter – how will you secure her future, given her learning disability? At this point we are all unsure of how she will continue to grow and what her needs will be down the road. How will you plan for that?

My dearest Paula, be the smart, empowered, successful woman you are and use the resources at your fingertips. It’s not about whether or not you and you husband will have differing opinions – you will – it’s about how you take your opinions and use them to secure your future.