Listen: To yourself, to your children, to your team, especially when going through a divorce
You know the old saying about having two ears and one mouth so we can listen more than we speak? There’s a lot of truth in that sentiment, but we know how difficult it can be when going through a divorce.
If the divorce is contentious, or if your former spouse is trying to intimidate you out of getting what’s rightfully yours, you might be hearing lots of negative things: criticism of your parenting abilities, your family, about the children’s behavior with you compared to when they’re with the other parent. Those negative, hurtful things might stick in your mind, making you doubt yourself, whether you were a bad spouse or didn’t live up to your potential in the relationship.
These are hard things to ignore when they prey on our worst fears about ourselves as people, as parents and as partners. Try to listen instead to the small voice deep down that reminds you that you did your best, that the divorce is not solely your fault. Listen for those little moments of heartfelt reassurance: you’re a good parent;your kids are fine; you did your best to make the marriage work.
Listen to your team of professionals: attorney/ mediator, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, therapist- the people you’ve chosen to help you through the process. They’ll tell you exactly what you need to do and the information you need to provide to get the best possible solution and put yourself on the best path forward. This is what they do, this is what their training has prepared them for; if you’re paying them to help you navigate this difficult time, take their advice to heart and do so with a clear, calm mind.
Listen, also, to your support system. Your friends, especially long-term ones who you trust, can be a great help now. Make time for them as a way to help yourself steady the roiling world around you. Talk with them about everything that you’re comfortable sharing. You can express your concerns and your fears. Also share any sense of relief, pride or triumph you might have, especially as the divorce proceeds. Friends are here to cheer you on, lift you up and reflect back a truer version of yourself than you can do on your own. Long-time friends have known you at your best and worst; they’ve got stories to remind you of your strength, your ability to get through tough times and they’ll be there to keep you moving forward.
Listen to your family. Sisters, brothers, parents, close aunts and uncles, cousins: They knew you before you met your former spouse. They’ve lived through their own adversity. Listen to them to find core truths about yourself, to remember that you’re capable and ready for whatever comes next.
Perhaps most importantly, listen to your children. Divorce can be a scary thing for a child, regardless of age, because the only life they’ve known is coming to an end. If your child becomes angrier or more withdrawn as you and your former spouse are splitting up, sit down and, calmly and with love, ask what they are feeling. Be gentle, and really listen to the answer. Is he afraid of never seeing his other parent again, or relatives on your former spouse’s side of the family? Is she angry and conflicted about “having to choose” between parents? Is there any concern at all from your children about “causing” any arguments about the divorce or the separation itself?
Be honest and forthcoming with your children but spare them the details. Remind your children that they are loved by both parents and that nothing will change that, not a divorce, not a move, not any other relationships that might take shape in the future. Reassure your children as often as they – or you – feel is needed. Tell the truth: things are changing, that life will be at least a little different, that you’re all going to be making adjustments, but, at the end of the day, you’re all still a family. You all love each other and they will have a safe, happy, loving home in which they are valued and important and loved. Their safety net and support system remains intact.
And every once in a while, listen to the silence. Listen to the stillness. Listen to the sunrise or sunset and take a moment to enjoy the nothingness and quiet. There’s enough shouting and loud conversation and chaos in your life as you go through a divorce: Take that minute or two to breathe deeply and enjoy the peace. Especially on this day, know that others are travelling this path as well.
