I was at an outing with a group of women the other day and as one would expect, the conversations ranged from college tuition costs to upcoming trips to Paris, to the moment you realize you really are going to be divorced. My youngest has already graduated from college, and while I love a good travel story – my ears perked up listening to the story of my friend, who is about to navigate her divorce.
She lamented about all the decisions she needed to make. And then, likely motivated by the fears we all share, uttered the words – “We’re considering getting divorce on our own – no lawyers.” The experienced side of me wanted to rush to her side and advise her, but given the social environment, I knew it would be better to write her a note. For those of you who might consider a “Do it Yourself Divorce,” here is that note that I wrote to “Paula.” Share it as you wish.
Dear Paula, I wanted to take a moment and reach out to you with support – as a women who has been divorced, and as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst – my heart is heavy for you tonight. Although I promise that in the end you will find empowerment and purpose like never before, there is so much you need to go through to get there. But I am getting ahead of myself.
I could not help but think about your news that you and your husband were considering a do-it-yourself-divorce. First, I want to applaud you on your optimism and your strength in meeting this challenging time head-on. Your spirit is to be admired. But, dear Paula, as your friend I feel compelled to warn you, better yet – to jump up and down and stamp my in an attempt to stop you from making what could be a very terrible mistake.
Paula, you are a smart, well-educated, successful mother of three with a future that needs to be protected. Why not take that intelligence and initiative and pull together your divorce team to help to make certain that the settlement you secure is good for you now-and also in the future, as well?
A do-it-yourself divorce might seem attractive with less acrimony and less expense, but in the end, statistically speaking – a do-it-yourself divorce is likely to yield a less positive outcome for you that may not serve you in the future.
Here’s why I would not recommend you proceed without the support of a fully engaged divorce team:
- If you make a “mistake,” it can be irreversible and very costly. Once done, the divorce is There are no divorce settlement do-overs. You don’t know- what you don’t know.
- You are getting divorced for a reason – there are some irreconcilable differences between you and your husband. Often, in divorce planning, WE turns into ME. Why do you think that you can sit down together and develop a plan that suits the both of you equally well?
- Divorce has complications you haven’t even realized yet – whether in the future of your children and their education, or tax consequences of settlement options, or retirement savings. Have you thought about the fact that because you took five years away from your career to be at home with your children, that limited your income potential? It also reduced your social security contributions, and because you and your husband will be married less than ten years you will not be able to receive social security benefits based on his earnings. How will you make up for that in your settlement?
- Do you truly understand the differences between alimony and child support when it comes to income tax? Or when you consider future relationships? You are a young, vivacious and interesting woman – you will love again. But at what (financial) cost?
- Your middle child – your daughter – how will you secure her future, given her learning disability? At this point we are all unsure of how she will continue to grow and what her needs will be down the road. How will you plan for that?
My dearest Paula, be the smart, empowered, successful woman you are and use the resources at your fingertips. It’s not about whether or not you and you husband will have differing opinions – you will – it’s about how you take your opinions and use them to secure your future.
